Comm ID: Brakelatabasaasta
Transmit to: Brakelatabasaasta
Brace yourself. It's a long one.
So I woke up this morning, had my breakfast of beef-and-peas-in-a-cup, brushed my toes, shaved my plants, and headed on over to the hanger.
And what do I find?
Bert.
ON FIRE.
Oh fish! It was all, like, fwooshy and burny, and it was really hot, and I was all like "What the fish, man? What the fish?" And Bert was all "I don't know, man, I don't know!"
I had to find the source of this problem. I had to find out what would cause Bert to suddenly burst into flames like this. I had to take this all the way to the complaints desk. I had to talk to...
The Manager.
Brakelatabasaasta: Alright, who's the manager in charge here? Brakelatabasaasta: Get me the manager! Maria.Alderez: Manager?... Brakelatabasaasta: Yup. Get me your boss. WolfCrest: What's the issue Brak? Brakelatabasaasta: Are you the manager, Wolfy-man? No! Brakelatabasaasta: I won't talk to anyone else! Maria.Alderez: My boss?... Maria.Alderez: Er...well... Maria.Alderez: I'm my boss! Maria.Alderez: Unless you mean the Council of the Commonwealth... Maria.Alderez: But they're kinda far away.. Brakelatabasaasta: Well then, YOU'RE the manager! Brakelatabasaasta: So tell me, Miss All-There-Is... Brakelatabasaasta: Why is Bert on fire? WolfCrest: I'll take it you're here to complain about your ship, Mr. Brakelataetcetera. Maria.Alderez: That's not...my name.. Brakelatabasaasta: Sure it is, All-dere-iz! Maria.Alderez: Bert?...who's Bert?...*quirks a brow* Maria.Alderez: That doesn't...look very safe.. Brakelatabasaasta: It's not! Brakelatabasaasta: It's very painful for Bert! Brakelatabasaasta: He's crying out in pain right now! Brakelatabasaasta: Which is why I want to talk to the manager. Maria.Alderez: Why don't you....fix that?... Brakelatabasaasta: Because I want to know WHY Bert caught fire. Brakelatabasaasta: I want the manager to tell me. Brakelatabasaasta: Well, Alderez? Brakelatabasaasta: What? No explanation? Brakelatabasaasta:No justice for Bert? Maria.Alderez: I dunno why Bert...is on fire? Brakelatabasaasta: Then you are useless to me. Maria.Alderez: Bfawww.. Brakelatabasaasta: I dun' like you anymore. Brakelatabasaasta: Okay, I lie. Brakelatabasaasta: But still. Disappointing. Maria.Alderez: Well...fine! then I don't like you either! *Sobs mockingly* WolfCrest: Who knew that Outcast customer service was so lacking? *laughs*
No luck. That manager turned out to be a fake. I bet it was just an average "Sales Rep" or whatever ridiculous title they're giving to them now. I was no closer to my goal, and Bert was no closer to being not-on-fire.
Brakelatabasaasta: Well then, can SOMEBODY get me the REAL manager? John: Hi there, Brakelatabasaasta Brakelatabasaasta: John? Brakelatabasaasta: Are you the manager? John: No, I'm a Freelancer Brakelatabasaasta: Well, fine! I'm a Brakelatabasaasta! John: What manager are you looking for? Maybe I can help find them Brakelatabasaasta: I'm looking for the guy who runs this place! Maria.Alderez: Me...I think the man's off his rocker... Maria.Alderez: he calls his ship 'Bert'! Brakelatabasaasta: He IS Bert! Brakelatabasaasta: And he has a handsome, handsome mustache. John: Well, why don't you go to the police or the Navy? They're the authorities in this system Brakelatabasaasta: Nah, they're out to get me. Most of 'em. Don't know which ones. Can't trust any.
Useless suggestions from Johnny-boy. Hurtful comments from All-dere-is. Bert still on fire. Is there no decency in this world?!
But when all things seemed hopeless...
Tiberius.Walker: Greetings citizen. Brakelatabasaasta: You there! Tiberman! Brakelatabasaasta: You seem like a kinda-guy who manages things. Tiberius.Walker: Good sir, I believe your ship has a colon leak. Brakelatabasaasta: Aha! Brakelatabasaasta: The Colon! I should have known. Brakelatabasaasta: You really ARE the manager! Brakelatabasaasta: Well, thanks a lot, people. Nobody could even direct me to the right person, I found him myself! Brakelatabasaasta: And the good Manager of this establishment, mister Tiberius Walkman, has told me what ails Bert! Brakelatabasaasta: Bert's got a colon leak. Brakelatabasaasta: Just so y'all know.
Now that I knew the problem, I could get to work on solving it! I had to climb down into Bert's bowels and plug up that faulty colon of his again. But how? And with what? The answer came to me, like a vision, or a dream! Or some guy named John.
John: Would you like some nanobots to fix Bert? Brakelatabasaasta: Now that I know what's wrong with him, sure!
I climbed down and stuffed a handful of these "nanobots" in the hole, and stopped the leak. The flames went out, and Bert gave a big sigh of relief. I told him he should stop trying to store the Magma from his Magma Hammers in his colon, but noooooo... maybe now he'll listen! One hole in your gut, and all the Magma-Fire-Whatever comes right back out! I thanked the guy for his help.
Brakelatabasaasta: Yay! Thanks, Johnny-boy. John: No problem Brakelatabasaasta: That patched up the colon real good. Brakelatabasaasta: No more spillage. Maria.Alderez: Ewwww
Then, an unexpected thing happened. Well, everything's unexpected. Otherwise it wouldn't be a surprise when it happened, right? And I like surprises. Like John-guy... offering to be my personal escort!
John: Need an escort anywhere, Brakelatabasaasta? Brakelatabasaasta: You'd be my escort, Johnny-boy? Brakelatabasaasta: Hooray! John: Sure. For free John: So, where are you off to? Brakelatabasaasta: Nowhere. Brakelatabasaasta: I just like company!
Then some Liberty Bigships came around and started going all "Mmmmm... smug and superior!" And that really frosted my pumpkin. Even so, Tiberman went an' talked to them, like they were people! I think he's crazy, personally. I mean, ships aren't people. You can't go around pretending they are. Folks would think you're nuts!
Tiberius.Walker: Ah its the Arkansas... Tiberius.Walker: And the Peke and Salt Lake as well... Tiberius.Walker: Hey Captain Patterson, hows the Pike holding up?
While this was happening, I though it was time to partake of one of my most favored pastimes...
Brakelatabasaasta: Sweet! I'ma go play with the battleship now! John: Are you crazy? Brakelatabasaasta: You haven't realized it by now? Death: Brakelatabasaasta was killed by a hostile vessel. Brakelatabasaasta: Hooray! Another point for Brakelatabasaasta!
At this point, John-guy left me. Maybe I scared him away. Soon after that, I saw that the wannabe manager-lady was getting bullied by the Bigships! She was hurtin' real bad...
Maria.Alderez: Ahhhhhh!!!!! Brakelatabasaasta: All-der-is! Quick! Patch up your colon! Death: Maria.Alderez was killed by a hostile vessel. Brakelatabasaasta: Oh. Too late.
Some more time passed. Some more people passed. Some gas passed, and it got kinda smelly. And then it was quiet. And boring. So I said...
Brakelatabasaasta: So hey! Anyone here, raise your hand if you've ever been to the California system! Apocalyptias: "Raises Hand" Umbra.Venator: "Salus." RedDwarf: too many times WolfCrest: *raises hand* OSI-Prozac: ? Brakelatabasaasta: I didn't say Simon Says! You all lose! Umbra.Venator: "I believe we all have little one." Brakelatabasaasta: Hey! Brakelatabasaasta: Why are you calling me "little"? Umbra.Venator: "Because your names big little one." Brakelatabasaasta: For all you know, I could be the pilot of a Bert-Maximus-Supreme-Battle-Kersplosion-Maker-Dreadnought! Umbra.Venator: "And I care why little man?" Brakelatabasaasta: 'Cause you secretly love me. But you don't want to admit it, for fear that your evil twin Julio will find out and beat you to the proposal! Brakelatabasaasta: Duh.
I never did see this "Umbrella Ventilator", but he kept talking all mean...
Umbra.Venator: "No.... already taken little one." Umbra.Venator: "Besides I am into woman..... not you." Brakelatabasaasta: Oh, please. No one would love you, anyway. No one but me. Not with that horrid growth on your backside. Brakelatabasaasta: See?! See?! Now I'M making assumptions about you, without seeing you! Brakelatabasaasta: How do YOU like it? Brakelatabasaasta: "I am a male little one, from the sounds of it so are you." Umbra.Venator: "It would never word and I'd sooner kill my self." Brakelatabasaasta: I know you're a male, silly! Brakelatabasaasta has love for ALL the fishes in the space-sea! Umbra.Venator: "Well doesn't mean you have that love back little one." Brakelatabasaasta: No, I suppose it doesn't. But it would be nice. Umbra.Venator: "Might be nice but life aint nice little one.
Then, there was a lot of static, and things got noisy!
Brakelatabasaasta: *KSSSH*-latabasa-*KSSSRSSH* intercourse with- *KSSH* And the lesser-*KRRSSSSH* but not for you! Umbra.Venator: "Jamess... please cut the static out its irritatiing." Jamess: Mmkay... Jamess: But since when did I have a static generating.. thing.. Brakelatabasaasta: *KRSSSSH* Umbra.Venator: "Hmmmm seems your breaking up little one...... Good don't have to listen to you then." Jamess: (turns around and notices a strange machine in the back of the cockpit) Jamess: Strange... Brakelatabasaasta: *KSH*-o, Jamess! Don't throw me out-*KSSSH* Jamess: Since when did I even have 500mil... Hmm... Brakelatabasaasta: *KRSSSH* Umbra.Venator: "You didn't..... you stole it yesterday." Umbra.Venator: "It was over the news........ said you were armed and highly dangerous." Jamess: Maybe... Jamess: Or maybe I just ate a blue egg for breakfast. Brakelatabasaasta: Hey! That was MY egg. Jamess: But what if it wasn't an egg? Jamess: (dun dun dun!) Brakelatabasaasta: Well, it was blue, wasn't it? Jamess: Yes. Jamess: And it let out a hideous scream when I cooked it. Jamess: It wasn't that nice.. Jamess: But I did feel somewhat... better... in some way. Brakelatabasaasta: Well, that narrows it down to my Keepy-Friends!
Nah, I knew it wasn't one of my Keepy-Friends. For one thing, they don't look like eggs. And also-- wait. WAIT. Huh. Y'know, they do kinda-sorta look like eggs.
Hm.
Suddenly!
Jamess: OUTCAST GUNBOAT! Jamess: OH MY GOD! Brakelatabasaasta: OH FISH! Brakelatabasaasta: Where?! Jamess: OH NOES! U.S.S.Enterprise: Oh WHALE! Jamess: ACTIVATE WHEELIE CRUISE?! Brakelatabasaasta: OH GIANT SQUIDS Jamess: FORT BUSH?! U.S.S.Enterprise: Fall! Fall into my heart! Brakelatabasaasta: Ew. Brakelatabasaasta: Gross.
It was there! It was big! It was shootin' things! And Jamessy-poo had only a moment to get inside the space-building safely before he went kersplodey! But he was having trouble!
Aaaaaand, to top it off, his friends abandoned him.
U.S.S.Enterprise: JAMES SAY HELLO TO GOD! Jamess: Mkay. Jamess: *pulls out a mysterious phone* Brakelatabasaasta: You stole that phone from me, too... Jamess: Yeah... I would like to speak to him.. Jamess: Mhm.. Jamess: O RLLY? Jamess: Oh. Jamess: Mmkay Jamess: Alright Jamess: *eats the phone* Jamess: Wait a second... Brakelatabasaasta: That was gonna be MY dinner... Jamess: This DOES taste like chicken! Brakelatabasaasta: Told ya so. Brakelatabasaasta: And the boat-cast is GONE.
After I let Jamessy-poo know that the coast was clear, he came on out and went... wherever he went. And I followed. To the Burgh of Pitts!
Jamess: Engaging secret light speed thrusters.. Jamess: Engaging other random thrusters that don't make sense. Jamess: Docking with trade lane. Jamess: Staring at a rock.. Jamess: Check! Jamess: Maximum thrust... Jamess: Minimum handling. Jamess: The perfect combination! Brakelatabasaasta: Straight... into... the planet!
Some grumpy people started talking, though... being all grumpy. Getting their grump all over my tables and chairs. I set them straight:
Umbra.Venator: "There going nuts, we need a crazy place." Brakelatabasaasta: Umbra. New York IS the crazy place.
Then a guy! A guy who recognized the power of BERT!
U.S.S.Enterprise: OMG U.S.S.Enterprise: A STARBLAZER!! U.S.S.Enterprise: *Feared* Brakelatabasaasta: I KNOW, RIGHT?
He tried to run... but his silly ship was too slow!
U.S.S.Enterprise: NOOOOOO Brakelatabasaasta: That Starblazer... IS CATCHIN' UP. U.S.S.Enterprise: THE STARBLAZER IS AMAZING!! U.S.S.Enterprise: GET OFF MY PAINTS Brakelatabasaasta: Oh, I'll have your paints... and your pants, too! Jamess: Oh noes! Jamess: Activate the molecular disrupters!
But before I could catch him, and before the Molecular whatcha-thingys could do their thing, an old enemy reared its slightly attractive but intimidating head!
Jamess: OUTCAST GUNBOAT! U.S.S.Enterprise: AN OUTCAST GUNBOAT!!!!! Brakelatabasaasta: WAAAAAAUGH Jamess: It's the legendary Boat...cast... Brakelatabasaasta: Boat-cast! U.S.S.Enterprise: STARBLAZER!! BLOW UP THE GUNBOAT!!! Brakelatabasaasta: YESSIR Jamess: It's a boatcast, alright! Brakelatabasaasta: Wait. Brakelatabasaasta: Where'd it go?
I had gone off to fight for the honor of Bert, but the Boat-Cast was gone! Clearly, it fled in fear of my awesome destructive power. And Bert's awesome destructive mustache.
U.S.S.Enterprise: the starblazer is unbeatable Brakelatabasaasta: He feared the power. Brakelatabasaasta: The power of Bert the Starblazer! Brakelatabasaasta: Bert's got a mustache, see?
But then Jamess and his friends left for California, and I returned to the Planet-place. I met a guy there, who was all, "Hey man, betcha can't take down my shields." Meh. But that's a boring story. Anyway, it ended in an explosion, as most things normally do. It was the Boat-Cast's fault, though. And then I went down to my dumpster home. And then I wrote an entry in my journal. Which is what I'm writing now. And if I go any further I'll reach the terrible time paradox that always happens when you do that.
...
Okay, okay. Maybe just a little bit further. After I finished writing in my journal, I got up and took a--
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