Some feed back on the concepts ofthis story I'm setting up.

[Colonel Z.e.r.o.]

I'm confused... :confusion:

[quote='FreezaSama'][quote='Animepsyco']I'd say derivatives.

[quote="Frank]that's pretty good. excellent descriptive writing.

Freeze's dumb ass said he couldn't.[/quote]

Actually, it was more of a tl;dr thing.

I saw Asarian, skimmed it, realized it wasn't about hot blue Mass Effect babes, and was in turn disappointed.[/quote]


Asarian was actually supposed to be taken from one of the other names of the Egyptian god Osiris[/quote]

Amazingly thought-out, AP. It definitely needs some work with the grammar and spelling and some of the concepts need to be fleshed out a little more, but overall it is more promising than 99% of the stories out there. I was only planning to skim some of it and then tl;dr, but it hooked me. I especially liked how the caste system took the escalating mutations as a sign of religious strength. Tied alot of the chance occurrence in the story together and gave it a feel of true progression...like these were real events that could logically happen instead of just some fantasy bull****.

Keep it up, man. You've done well so far, I look forward to reading more.

[quote='visitorQ']Amazingly thought-out, AP. It definitely needs some work with the grammar and spelling and some of the concepts need to be fleshed out a little more,

Which concepts exactly?

but overall it is more promising than 99% of the stories out there. I was only planning to skim some of it and then tl;dr, but it hooked me. I especially liked how the caste system took the escalating mutations as a sign of religious strength.

I was thinking of imposing a few drawbacks/advantages of these changes.

1. Eyesight - A special and unique form of lighting will allow them to "see through" minor obstructions that would otherwise make objects behind them opaque to translucent look more like translucent to silhouette to almost color clear. This will apply to things such as smoke, steam, gases, not brick walls.

2. Adaptation - They have greater resistance to arrid and hot climate with massive sun exposure. However Much higher sensitivity to colder elements from tundra-like environments to consistent ingestion of cold food (like ice cream of ice water).

3. Reproduction - Half breed off spring of female Asarian parentage will have a 50-75% chance of inheriting one or more the their race's distinguished traits while those of male parentage will have only 25-50%.

Despite their traits resembling those of dominant genes, their version is quasi-recessive (basically the Red eyes chance of expression is equal or less dominant to brown eyes. Dark skin and and hair ranges are also subject to even the receive genes from the other parent and even the ones locked away inside their genetic codes from their ancestors. from 25-75% (Depending on the parentage though I might not limit the probability of gene expression by gender).

4. Racial stereotypes/Behavior - During the years of puberty, they will experience episodes of intense (near) unprovoked tantrums. (undecided whether this will be a fact, myth or both)

Tied alot of the chance occurrence in the story together and gave it a feel of true progression...like these were real events that could logically happen instead of just some fantasy bull****.

I'm a complete retard can you explain a little more and how specifically.

Keep it up, man. You've done well so far, I look forward to reading more.

I'm having difficulty as to where to start. Should I just **** around. Should I hit with a list of character profiles and how deep they run into it the plot or what? I don't wanna focus too hard on the charactera as to were I'm stuck or lose interest in the main devices. But I also don't want the make the overarching story or plot device to be so great I lose the personal plots and motives making the only thing that's keeping things in motion (appear as) a giant war, conspiracy, rescue mission, or quest to save/avenge/impress a town/the world that doesn't even like you.[/quote]

Which concepts exactly?

Seemed a little too rushed on the development of society outside of the Kay'an culture. Prejudice obviously still exists in your world, but what else exists? What other negative human traits from Earth survived the journey? Are the Kay'an people reawakening the prejudice, or are they just the new focus for all of these other cultures, like the Britainians? That kind of stuff.

I'm having difficulty as to where to start. Should I just **** around. Should I hit with a list of character profiles and how deep they run into it the plot or what? I don't wanna focus too hard on the charactera as to were I'm stuck or lose interest in the main devices. But I also don't want the make the overarching story or plot device to be so great I lose the personal plots and motives making the only thing that's keeping things in motion (appear as) I giant war, conspiracy, rescue mission, or quest to save/avenge/impress a town/the world that doesn't even like you.

I'm not to sure where you should go with it. Like I said, as the basis for a story, what you already have is solid. I could see you creating a protagonist amidst that background. Then again, there are a few things that you might do well to expound upon, some of which I've listed above. As the author, its all up to you, but I found the most interesting parts of the story to revolve around the social implications of reintroducing one culture to others it had known before it took a transformative journey. Its sort of like the story of Moses, only on a much larger scale.[/quote]

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Nathan's Log || The "Real Story" of Lenox Casper