Some feed back on the concepts ofthis story I'm setting up.

[Colonel Z.e.r.o.]

[quote='Animepsyco']I'm gonna give you something on the empire's "leader", Empress Zuna of the Asarian Empire AKA Osiris Imperium.

After the death of her father, the title of Empress shifted to Zuna about 5 years after the start of the war when she was only 10. At current she is 15 years old and the dominating power in the nation. She even possess more power than her father due to inheritance being matrilineal and the gynocentric influences in it's infancy. While she was the true ruler of their society, Adilah's parent-like influence over her ensured that her youth wouldn't be a sign of weakness or complacency for the nation. Allowing the war to continue long after her father's death without consideration for peace. Despite Adilah being more than capable of maintaining leadership, Zuna's bloodline was essential for keeping the 14 provinces united with one another. To Adilah, her blood was as dirty as anyone not an Asarian, however it was the glue and paste that kept the whole country from plunging into civil war or splinter away from the war.

Her primary thoughts are the stresses of maintaining the appearance of an icon of hope for the people while simultaneously forwarding the bloodshed on the battlefront. Zuna is a girted spokeswoman and a very competent persuader, often never having to resort to force other than raising her voice. Though she is merely a competent politician. Her prodigy shows not just in the arrangement of political priorities but mostly in the presentation of them. One the outside she extrudes to her company a supreme level of composure and high expectations. Swift and menacingly calm when eliminating obstacles of various forms. To her subordinates and those who work closely with her she appears both direct and cold, passive yet villainous, and somewhat aggressive. Bearing no tolerance to those who take her or her authority lightly.

Zuna is, at heart, a confused and feeble girl. Having little time for social interactions. She is lonely and irritable. Often lacking energy except when giving direction or defending her posture from critique. She possess little interest in things outside of her duties as Empress. Often carrying a saddened or broken posture when not observed, she has much unrest in her heart about the social caste system that was implemented by her father and his advisers and the succeeding war. But is too cowardly to accept the burden of leadership and thus relies too heavily on Adilah's awareness despite her suspicion of Adilah and her father's ideals. Unfortunately this takes a toll on her health while present on the Osiris flagship during it's assault and capture of the Chelsea planetary settlement of the Brittainians nation. Gagging and nearly collapsing at the site of war, yet her young heart is forced to abolish all compassion and guilt in order to protect her people from themselves and now, their new enemies. Despite her reliance on Adilah, her greatest fear is probably Adilah herself. Greatly ambitious and in many ways, superior to her.

I'll make changes and edits later I'm **** tired.

She first encounters Lenox and Katarine when they're are left with no choice but to fight off the full force of the Osiris and it's fleet after the invasion of Chelsea (Which the Legionnaire was stationed on.) After diverting smaller forces away from the battle, hides away the "Black Zero" (unofficial name for his mecha) and then makes his way onto a returning vessel that lands on the Osiris. Katarine is meanwhile securing the rest of the groups escape several miles away. After stealing a uniform belonging to the empire, he makes his way through the ship, rejoining briefly knowing this is the first time in a long time his bloodline wasn't a burden. Eventually he sneaks all the way to the Empress' chambers, there he witnesses a brief argument between Adilah and Zuna.

After which, Zuna then discovers Lenox hiding away. She demands to know what business has has there, not realizing what side he is on. In an attempt to calm her down, he draws closer, telling her to "shush". Insulted, Zuna becomes even more aggressive until finally Lenox grabs her and tries to quiet her down by force. They scuffle until her personal guards of the empress bust in and realize the situation. Using Zuna as a hostage, he manages to escape. They reach the secondary bridge before meeting Colonel Togo, one of the field commanders for the ground forces Combing Chelsea. A brief conversation is followed by Lenox being subdued by one of the Colonel's men. Before being personally executed by Togo, Zuna steps in and asks for him only to be detained for questioning. As the carry him away, Togo listens in on his ear piece and then quietly walks behind Empress Zuna and raises his sidearm to the back of her head. Giving solid and threaten eye contact to those in view of him and Zuna. Just before he pulls the trigger, Lenox screams to warn her of the attempt on her life. Just as Zuna spins around the floor below Togo collapses, causing him to fire his weapon and hit Zuna in the Shoulder instead. The lower half of the room continues to shatter as a large silver fist plows into wall. Katarine's mecha along with the "Perceptual Response Unit" activated Black Zero begin a surprise assault on the Osiris. In the confusion, Lenox pulls an injured Zuna into his Mecha. As they fly away Katarine states, she couldn't wait any longer. Seeing Zuna in Lenox's arms she jealously begins questioning him about who she is.

5:00 am here guys I'll continue.

When returns to the Legionnaire, Zuna is detained and loosely questioned by the captain with both Lenox, Katarine, and a few others in the room. Her racist teachings became apparent as well as her confusion in where Lenox stands in all of this. Katarine leans towards her while speaking a few words directed at the captain, resulting in a smack from Zuna, followed by a toss across the room by Kararine, and a headlock from Lenox on Katarine to restrain her. The conflict within Zuna about her very own teachings were apparent for an experienced individual like the captain. With that, he asked Lenox to take Katarine back to her room. Almost having to fight her into the hallway as she spouted out countless profanities in German (Yes her people descend from that region.) Asking in a clam voice, he spoke to her as if her were a humble fan of hers. He even leaned over to adjust her bandages from the incident earlier. With this she became more cooperative, calm, and respectful, even changing her posture to show appreciation to her captor's courtesy. He then asked if all Asarians were charmingly clever as her. She turned away blushing slightly. "I think you want more than this" the captain said as he made his way to the door. She begins to wonder what exactly "more" meant.

As time moves on Zuna finds herself drawn to Lenox, much to Katarine's dismay, this puts strain on their relationship. Zuna's question about his life with the others unlike them makes her (reluctantly) change her way of viewing the other races. However, as with Lenox she is faced with bigotry and rejection. Though not being exposed is the "empress" and "leader" of their great enemy (outside of the ship), she finds it very difficult to cope with all the atrocities that her father and people have been committing through the course of this war, with the ethnic cleansing of all non Asarians, and reprogramming of all the Asarians who left the empire in infancy (with the adults being labeled traitors and detained executed.) This becoming a common vantage point Katarine takes against her. Unfortunately she doesn't realize the distasteful vibe it gives Lenox, This happened to be just one more thing that Lenox has had far too much experience with himself, causing Lenox to shift even further away from her. Zuna's continued interference eventually leads to a face to face argument, that erupts into a fist fight that results in Katarine quite badly beating Zuna. Leaning in Zuna's favor, Lenox, remembering her attitude towards him after her father's death. Begins to wonder if this is what may happen if Katarine should "get tired of him." Lenox had no idea what to think of Katarine, she stood by him when everyone else treated him like the "red-eyed black sheep of the family", but in the end she was just as brutal to Zuna as all his adversaries were to him over the years. Not only that, she used the fact that Zuna was both an Asarian and the current war with them as an excuse to justify her actions. In short, he began to think that Katarine, his savior from social peril, was only holding onto him because of her undoubted attraction to him. But did she respect his heritage?

Kinda melding Story synopsizes to the characters they correlate to. Any ways tell me, as always if there may be a way to capitalize any any character developments or any cliche's that unnecessary.

Ok I did a quick read-through and you do good,character development is good and story is fine,but if I wrote it it would be a bit different as your style is more...I guess more like a game manual then anything,not bad if it's how you write since you can do it.

Here,if it's aright,I re-wrote a section just to show how I would word it/write it:

"Desperation:

As time went on the fleet found itself far off course and drifting past several large gas clouds,magnetic storms,and finally a huge barrier known by some at that time as the golden Beast (it takes the form of a cat or,perhaps,tiger-like appearance when seen from the earth) the crew found itself utterly unable to navigate back home or even their original intended course and the only option at that point was to hold on to the present heading and hope they would find some safe haven before time ran out,before the fighting began again,before the food ran out,or before the engines failed...

There they found themselves swallowed up in the beast-like nebula, with only the vain hope that behind this cosmic behemoth there was a land that would bring them the sustenance they had once taken for granted so long ago. Another five years had passed since they first found themselves lost and with little to no direction. It became more and more common to find one's mother or father hanging from the ceiling, a metaphor for the hope that had been so violently suffocated throughout the fleet. But despite these large casualties, the people in this group were still very numerous, what's more is that they've still allowed themselves to get out of bed in the morning, and this was all that was needed to assure their future...this,of course,was all that they could do."

Now that's just me and how I write,but I did read that trying to vary words and not repeating or using something that sound similar is a good idea,you don't do that but I'm a bit more...descriptive the way I write.

Again that's me and maybe not you,but you asked for an honest assessment and that's mine.

I'll re-read it again in a bit,but I do like what you're doing :thumbs up:

Once again guys I know it's muddle and I quoted others from a forum to give better context. But please if you can find it in your time to comment, specifically on some of the mojor comments.

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Nathan's Log || The "Real Story" of Lenox Casper