The Sirius Times

[yurineova]

News Crackups

These are just some funny random funnies I found when watching TV, so their source is kinda lost at the moment, but rest assured, I will find the source shortly.

"A passenger shot 6 people on the downtown bus today, then asked for a transfer, and shot 6 more people on the crossover bus. In order to prevent this from happening in the future, Authorities are discontinuing the transfer system."

"Here are the results from the Blind People's Golf Tournament. They just came in, the winner was Johnny Downs with 1892 strokes, just enough to beat Larry Powel who lost any chance he had when he took a 312 on the final hole."

"The US Army has announced that it was true that in the 1960's they had conducted LSD tests on Human Beings in which had destroyed their minds, however, they have claimed that none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of Lieutenant Colonel."

"A man who was attempting to walk around the world drowned today."

"The ASCPA filed a criminal complaint against a man who was keeping tropical fish in a moving blender. The man claims it was true, but never put it above 'mix', although the ASCPA claims he has had it up to 'Whip' and 'Puree' several times."

"A man who was attempting to circle the world in a Hot-Air balloon died today when he stepped out of the balloon to admire it from a distance."

"A man in Texas was arrested today for shooting and killing his Wife, Son, 2 Daughters His Mother and Father, All 4 of his Grandparents, His Dog, His Mailman, 3 Neighbors, and a Woman who worked at the Filling Station. He claims he was just cleaning his gun when it suddenly went off."

This next segment is about Gerald Ford, one of our longest living Presidents. These are some possible ways in which he could die. All these are from "Saturday Night Live!" with Dany Carvey* (Spelling wrong, I know)

"Tragedy today as Gerald Ford was chopped into tiny bits by the propellor of a commuter Plane"

"Gerald Ford was eaten by Wolves. He was...Delicious."

"Gerald Ford dead today, after an over-dose of Crack-cocaine."

"Gerald Ford shot dead today, at the senseless age of 83."

"Gerald Ford was mauled senselessly by a Circus Lion, in a convenience store."

"A fire ball destroys France today and Gerald Ford is dead."

"Gerald Ford dead today, after jumping out of an office building, senselessly."

Thats all for today, join us again another time.

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