CNS - Freeport 10 News Archive

[Howard10]

02.11.818 '€“ Zoners '€“ Freeport 9 '€“ Have you ever run across the pitiful specimen commonly known as the '€˜university student'€™ and wondered how these seemingly malnourished, persistently antisocial pariahs will soon come to represent Sirius'€™ intellectual elite? No, you'€™re not alone '€“ these sentiments echo exactly the thoughts of our own editing team; an attitude that has absolutely no correlation whatsoever to Cambridge University denying our request to attend their creative writing courses. Many consider these students to be little more than grant-grabbing malcontents of dubious use. This has never been more apparent than to the Zoners of Freeport 9, following the release of an in-depth anthropological study into spaceborne Zoners by the University of Crete.

The release of the decade long study by the sociology department of the colloquially nicknamed '€˜Corsair Collage' (made famous by '€œExtortion 101 '€“ how to make your victim squeal'€) coincided neatly with a sudden escalation of hostilities between the aforementioned Zoners, and the Corsair Empire. The title of the dissertation? '€œZoners get upset when murdered'€. Yes. The forefront educational establishment of Omicron Gamma invested 10 years and countless credits into stating the obvious. Surprisingly, prevalent urban legends persist regarding the temperament of the Zoners as a people, ranging from the fact that if you punch one he'll cry tears of joy, to the fact that they have a gland that actually induces powerful sensations of euphoria when they are pirated.

The study states that on average, upon the murder of a family member, or resident of their own station, occupants are statistically likely to become around 326% more hostile to the party/parties that caused the grievance. We managed to secure an interview with one of the few Corsairs actually taken prisoner during the last bout of hostilities, Praedonis Cuculi. As a member of one of the 'rookie' home guard squads that first attacked the station, he was the first to meet the defenders before they were fatigued by incessant raids. He described the situation to us.

"Ey, you gri-ingo basterds! You theenk you can hold the Cosairs at bay for evaar? You's one stu-upeed gringo, gri-ingo. We's gonna keel you deader than dead." After a while our canny reported bribed him with some Synth tofu, on account of the fact no-one else would eat it. His his stomach relatively full, if mutinous, he described the actual events that led to his downfall. "We-ell, I was shooting some of them Zoner gri-ingos yesterday and the damn things turned around and started shooting back, ma-an! I thought I was hallucianating. We were told them feelthy gri-ingos would sit there an' take it!"

So there you have it - straight from the mouth of a Corsair. The students didn't get it entirely wrong! Zoners don't like it when you shoot them!