El Negro Tapas

[Aemx]

//This story is not, nor will it ever be, completely consistent within the known Discovery universe. Instead, it describes how a mentally unstable guy called Rotar ended up in Sirius.//
(for GTVA, look up the Freespace Universe)







Hecate Specs
Description: The new GTD Hecate class of destroyers is replacing the Orion class as the flagship of Terran battle groups. More heavily armed than the Orion, the Hecate also carries over 150 combat spacecraft and a crew of 10,000.
Length: 2242.0 meters
Max Velocity: 15 m/s
Gun Mounts: 27

El Negro Tapas, a Hecate-Class deep space exploration vessel under the orders of the GTVA, has ventured into a yet unexplored region of the universe known as Sirius. Following the jump from Delta Serpentis, many weeks have passed, but as he finaly arrived within 1m k from Liberty Space, being able to detect life signs on the scanners, a huge hostile vessel has arrived from subspace straight before the monstrous ship.

El Hernandez, navigator: NUNS! NUNS! REVERSE! REVERSE! Full throttle to starboard engines! Deploy anti-collision flares! Switch on the Anti-Space neutralizers!

Cpt. Porkheart: Main Screen Turn On! All stations, report!

El Navigator: Deploy auxiliary herring thrusters! Move the big fat balance man to port! TO PORT!

El Communications Officer: Main screen turn'd on, Capn'! Who shall we phone today?

Cpt: Phone Norway! Message first class, through ultra long-range comm systems!

*phoning Norway*

Ńorway: 'Eh?

Cpt: Is this Norway?

Norway: Mi'Lord! But indeed, it is!

Cpt: Great! I've got a problem. My ship seems to have encountered two extra large sized nuns. Now, I need to dissolve those fatass bitches into antispace!

Norway: No problemo, Kind Sir! Just load the onboard emergency spa and fire at full power!

*beep beep beep- he hangs up.*

Cpt: GUNNERS! LOAD THE MAIN AND THE AUXILIARY SPAS ONTO THE MAIN GUNS!

Gunners: Yessir! Guns loaded. Spa 1 and Spa 2 awaiting orders.

Cpt: Execute order 34!

Spa1: YESSIR!
Spa2: YESSIR!

~~Moving through the silent void of space, both of the spas have popped out with a large bang, spreading debris all over the bridge's main viewer. Their lack of engines pulsed as they plunged into the nuns.~~

Cpt: REPORT!

El Reporte-Person: Nuns destroyed! Spas anihilated! Way to go, sir!

Cpt: YES! Another victory on my part! El Supply Management, please re-order the herrings so we may proceed to Sirius.

El Supply Management Team: SIR YES SIR!

~~The El Supply Management Team, with the fuel and food ration issues on their hands, have quickly phoned the required authorities (i.e. Norway) and ordered a Do-It-Yourself Herring, with a payload of Three And A Half Hectagrams. The GTVA El Negro Tapas shall cruise the space fully refueled once more!~~

2 hours later.

El Package Receivment Team: EL CAPITANO! A package has arrived!

Cpt: Open it up now! I can't wait to start up our engines and finally take a shower.

...


Cpt: Report!

EPRT: Sir, the package consists of Fourty Nine Point Eight Fully Licensed Prostitute Carriers!

Cpt: My Lord! Who has sent it?

EPRT: It seems it was Boris, Sir!

Cpt: *mutters* Boris...! He's trying to stop the well-being of my only Licensed Prostitute Carrier Onboard Dispenser! El Package Mgmnt Team, load the package into guns one, three and seven! Meanwhile, set course for the New York System!

*swoooosh- The El Negro Tapas has entered hyperspace*

Cpt (taking a shower): Finally! Those incompetent bastards don't even know how to enlarge a medium-sized golfball. I hope Sirius can provide the crew with this important skill, however my conscience is still in fear of such horrible means of destruction.

~~Meanwhile, the shower system has deveoped a leak, and, due to the lack of gravity, has killed all the Chinese Miner Wives onboard.~~

Cpt: Such Insolence! How can we get the Chinese Miner Wives back without paying the debt to that awful warlord? The Shame! The Disgrace! The Incompetence!

Chinese Miner Wives Control Team: Capn'! We shall refuel this commodity once we arrive at Sirius. For now, more important matters are at stake, for example the Trent issue!

Cpt (looks shocked): Trent? I thought he was an ancient sailor.

CMWCT: Exactly, Sir!

Cpt (looks more shocked than ever): Well, how many miles do we have to the Planet Manhattan?

The Distance To Planet Manhattan (i.e. The Main Mission Waypoint) Management Team: Three Quarters, Sir.

Cpt: But I can't even see the bloody thing!

TDTPM(IETMMWMT): That's because Microsoft screwed up the distance formats.

Cpt: Arf! Well, engage the Phone and place a call to HQ. Tell them to displace us to Manhattan.

Phone Device Dialling Team: Sir Yes Sir!

~*ringding* *ringaringding* *dingdingringarringaringring*

HQ- Yes Dear?

Cpt: I need your help with a problem of mine.

HQ- Mine? I know all about mines.

Cpt: Yes. Well, the Chinese Miner Wives, they have passed away. One after another!

HQ- I know, my cargo shipment of Chinese Miner Husbands has notified me of this terrifying event. But, anyways, what does thou need today?

Cpt: A bath.

HQ- A Bath?

Cpt: Yes.

HQ- Ok. The Bath shall be sent to you via the Instant Herring Messaging System (It's Actually Sent Via The Gift Of Song), or the HMS(IASVTGOS). You shall also receive a kitchen chair set matching to the 2 tables you bought earlier and a new wooden organic oven with 6 hundred hand carved little kids playing inside it ready to be boiled in a great mixture of space toads.

Cpt: Thanks for the gesture, HQ. Over and out!

~~Meanwhile, the Dumpling Herring Ultra Faster Than You THought They Would Be Transit Engines have at last, stopped. The Planet Manhattan has showed itself on the horizon, the swarm of its ships moving around it in a progressive circle, closely resembling The Captain's Third Cat, Whom He Will Never Mention Again Due To Copyright Issues.
But that Animal Metaphore of the concentric movement of the tiny little Liberty ships was nothing compared to the Central Purchasing Team's shock as they discovered that a fool has stolen all their weekly reports to do with Herring Purchase&Delivery!

But that also was a minor issue compared to Edison Trent's amusement, as he steadily cruised through space in his Zoner Juggernaut, when he saw the Hecate-Class Battleship. Three times bigger than the juggernaut, Hecate was armed with Beam Cannons, Forward Main Spa Launchers, Flaks and Anti-Station Turrets. It was capable of up to 30 units in impulse speed and carried three squadrons of first-grade Perseus interceptors with their mentally incapable pilots.~~

Cpt: Unindentified vessel, identify yourself. This is GTVA El Negro Tapas on an exploration mission from Delta Serpentis.

Edison Trent: Or what? You'll shoot me with your pitiful Nun-Killers?

(obviously, Mr. Ed has witnessed El Negro Tapas's magnificent fight)

Cpt: You know I will!

ET: True!

Cpt: FoF System Control, change Mr. Ed's status to Hostile! Spa Management! Ready spa launchers 5 and 6! Extra strong! Herring Control!
Prepare self-destruct herrings for manevolent purchase! Bolted Irish Engineer Team, ready up the launchers with the brand new Prostitute Carriers! Target Issues Control, target Mr. Ed's bridge! NOW! .....Fire!

*POOOF!- The prostitute carriers flew amidst the endless voids of space towards the Juggernaut's bridge. They were getting closer, when an unexpected white pentagon showed up straight before the Carriers- they bounced right back.*

Cpt: Phone Dialling Team! Notify Mr. Boris that his equipment IS MADE OF FAIL!
front beam cannons, slice through that piece of junk!

*The juggernaut stood still in space, waiting for the opponent's next move. Mr. Ed was indeed amused.*

*A droning whoosh thundered through the bridge. White orbs built up in the forward cannns. In a second, they spit out the never ending beam of green light slicing through the Juggernaut's shields and hull.
Mr. Ed was surprised. Then everything went boom, and he wasn't anymore.*

Cpt: Ha! Insolent Fool! Sensor team, scan the wreckage for herrings.

Sensors Management: It appears he carried none onboard. Shall I order new ones?

Cpt: Yes! And make haste!

SM: Very well, capn'. But I need your Intergalactic Credit Card first.

*cpt hands him the card*

SM: But, Capn'! Your debt is bigger than your own very mother! The light shows RED! RED, Capn', RED! That means we need to sell the ship, or else we shall cease to exist!

Cpt: Very well. Phone Management Team, Dial the Space Toad Local Office Of The Edge Worlds.

*rrringaring*

Space Toad Official: "ello?

Cpt: Welcome, my dear! Shall you ever need a Hecate-Class Battleship?

STO: But of course, Dear Sera! Our Deployment Officials at Manhattan will approach your ship in 45 seconds, you shall get the money and leave.

Cpt: Very well! It's a pleasure doing business with you.


*cut*

~~A Raven's Claw belonging to the Toads undocked from Manhattan and is heading towards El Negro Tapas.~~

The Crew (in unison): But Capn', what will happen to us?

Cpt: What capn'? I'm a rotating Portable Foreigner Spa Carrier device. Call me rotar from now on!

*Rotar rotated through the bridge, bouncing off the walls, riveting towards the docking port. The crew stared at him for a bit, got bored and proceeded to consume their herrings. when the Claw docked, Rotar greeted the toads, received the cash and stole their fighter. He bravely evaded the spas flying in his direction and started a new life as Rotar, Ex-Commanding Officer, Ex-Captain of GTVA El Negro Tapas, owner of the Space Toad Fighter, Raven's Claw.*

Behold!

---

PERSUADE|PERSUADE|PERSUADE
Persuasion- The Ultimate Solution To <span style="color:#660000">All Your Problems!</span>

Not Amex. Not IMAX. ~Aemx.
~Freespace 1 &amp; Freespace 2 Veteran. HLP For The Lulz!
~Proud user of the Somtaaw SHF as Piobmx
~My bio / El Negro Tapas is Here
~My DeviantArt's here