SCRA Communications Centre

[pieguy259]

INCOMING TRANSMISSION
COMM ID: Provost Marshal Col. Vicenta Gonzalez
LOCATION: CPW Ho Chi Minh, Omega-52 System

It has come to my attention that some of our more... spirited Fighter Corps officers have taken to conduct unbefitting a Soldier of the Revolution. As such, I have compiled this list of 45 things nobody is allowed to do in the Coalition, and I expect all members of the Fighter Corps to read, memorise and abide by it.

1. Zvezdny Gorodok is both a moon AND a space station.
2. I will not tell recruits that there is a small exhaust port which will blow up the whole station if it is shot.
3. Especially if I actually find one.
4. The Chamber is not a venue for BDSM.
5. Even if she's into it.
6. Boris Yeltsin is not and was never a Hero of the Revolution.
7. Comrade General Alvarez and Provost Marshal Gonzalez would not have more fulfilling lives if they "just got a room already".
8. I will not program Viatcheslav to say "I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that".
9. I will not let Corsairs go if they give me all their tequila.
10. Should Provost Marshal Gonzalez die, "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" will be strictly forbidden at her funeral and all occasions afterwards.
11. Even though it was invented in the glorious Soviet Union and is a paragon of Communist invention, I will not use the computer in any ship to play Tetris.
12. Especially in a firefight.
13. Our gunboat is the Storm. Our destroyer is not the "Wolverine".
14. The Silver Crossbow Bolt is a punishment. I will not have mine attached to a ribbon and wear it proudly on my uniform.
15. Yes, ABBA's "Fernando" is about a revolution. No, it is not appropriate as a battle song.
16. Nor is the Beatles song "Revolution".
17. Especially not "Revolution 9".
18. I will not instruct Rheinland operatives "not to mention the war".
19. I will not tell our Order allies that the jelly they are eating "contains real Nomad!"
20. Working behind a counter does not make one a "counter revolutionary", and I will stop referring to the bartender as such.
21. I will not walk around my quarters naked in an attempt to dissuade the Commissariat’s surveillance.
22. Even when I know they're watching.
23. Especially when I know they're watching.
24. I will not ask His Watchful Eye if he needs Visine.
25. Commissar Mendel has never experimented on peas.
26. I will not accuse every female Chinese officer of being Yue Fei.
27. The Coalition is famous for its Vodka. That having been said, the practice of "Icing" is never appropriate.
28. Especially right before a mission.
29. The phrase "Get Some!" is a battle cry, not a mating call.
30. I will not ask Provost Marshal Gonzalez if she "likes it kinky".
31. She can "get off" perfectly fine without impaling someone on a forklift, thank you.
32. Not that that is any of my business.
33. I will stop attempting to "bring the Premier back to the home team".
34. By any and all means.
35. There is no "Premier's Shilling", and I will stop giving it to civilians and telling them they're in the Fighter Corps now.
36. I will stop telling recruits that the jump hole near Mykolaiv leads to a "vodka cloud".
37. I will not name my capital ship the CPW-Smirnoff.
38. Grand Admiral McIntosh is not an Emperor of anything, and I will stop calling his casket "The Golden Throne".
39. I will stop trying to set up Lt. Colonel Broch and Provost Marshal Gonzalez on dates.
40. No matter how "hot" I think the outcome would be.
41. I will not speculate on the outcome.
42. I will not pay female recruits to enact the outcome and distribute the recording as "Commissars Gone Wild!"
43. Whoever did that will be shot.
44. The Phantoms do not wear skull rings and purple spandex.
45. This list is not a challenge, and I will not treat it as such.

Any questions? No? Good.

Viva la Revolucion!

END TRANSMISSION

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