He looks at her after she asked this then sighs a little and goes back to looking for some sort of painkillers to give her be soon realizes he ran out of them. Cursing a little to himself he takes the cup of water again from the bed-side table he left it on and sits at the small bed next to her.
He really didn't know how to put it in words for her to make it come out easy. he took is hat off and tossed it to the other side of the room and thought for a moment looking up at the ceiling. He soon sighed again and looked at her, smirking a little...
She frowns slightly, trying to make sense of what he just said. "You.... You what?" She looked across at him and noticed he had tossed his hat aside.
He's still good looking.....
She shook her head getting her mind back on track, cursing at herself for the difficulty she was having. "You don't know what you've just done......" she moved one of her hands and covered her face with it. By this point she had pieced together what the hurry to get the shirt was all about. "They really think you have killed me....."
She tried to sit up in the bed, she managed to get part of the way up before having to lay back down again. She was a lot more alert now then she had been since landing on the station and she was far more concerned with him and his safety then the freedom he had given her."Jackson.... They will hunt you down and.... and it wont be good.... You have to tell them I'm ok."
"Jackson.... They will hunt you down and.... and it wont be good.... You have to tell them I'm ok."
"No I don't... either way I'm still in danger... at least I know now for sure that they are out to get me."
He was staring off blankly at a wall as he slouched on the bed resting his elbows on his knees and his hands folded. He after a while reaches down next to the bed where he left the bottle of vodka and takes a sip from it again.
"It doesn't matter. They don't want me back. They want me dead. Either way they want me dead." He takes a sip. "It makes no difference how quick they try to get me that way... but they wont."
He is sipping some more again, just wanting to forget about what he did and not think if it was stupid or not. "And plus... *ahh...* You have your wish. You're off the radar. If you disappear now then no rogue would bother looking for you... Isn't that what you want?"
He shakes his head again sipping some more and continuing. "I've been wanted for a long time. It doesn't matter to me by whom or how many... who cares... just a matter of time anyway... *berrmmm* ughh... Just %$#@ everything... everything's all %$#@ed up anyway."
He was already starting to get tipsy a little and starting to rant non-sense. He put the bottle away though and put his head down, concentrating on the vodka more than his problems.
"You don't need to be sure... I can keep them away..." She bites her lip and watches him staring at the wall. She shakes her head and cautiously rests one of her hands on his back.
"Isn't that what you want?"
She was about to interrupt when he said this. She fell silent. It was what she wanted, but not by putting him in danger. She didn't know how to make him understand this
"Jackson...." she sighs and watches him put the bottle away, really wanting to say something about his drinking, but she refrains. "I wanted to get you home... I still care about you, I don't want you to end up dead...." She watches him, wishing there was a way she could make things ok.
"You don't have to do this...." She runs her hand down his back as far as she could reach from lying down as she gets more confident he isn't going to react to it. "We can fix this." She wanted to believe what she was saying, and a part of her did, she just hoped he would let her at least try.
"Keep them away... and then what? Try to fix all this... and then what?"
He just sighs again and coughs a little, rubbing his face with one of his hands and then moving it through his hair. He could feel the beginning of the effects of the alcohol on him but still he was able to function somewhat normally. A halfway point between both world.
"I wanted to get you home... I still care about you, I don't want you to end up dead...."
He was irritated somewhat that she wouldn't let go of her wanting him to come 'home'. He didn't know what home was to him anymore. He liked her touch though. Her hand on his back brought back some memories and he lingered on them a little before pushing them back into his memory. The touch she did felt nice so he didn't bother reacting negatively to it. He thought more about what she said. He did care about her... but he didn't know as well. He waved the thought away and stayed silent for a time.
She just shrugged slightly "I don't know." She was quiet again, he was beginning to look irritated. She moved her hand away, resting it back over her left side. "I just don't know."
She looked up at the roof, not saying anything else. The silence was a deafening as it had been in the hanger. She was thinking, nothing she would say would get him back to Padua. She could see this now. She decided there was no point in continuing to fight to get him to do it. "You wont come back... Fine.... Just don't get killed..." she was still quiet, but sounded almost defeated.
After some more silence she looked back at him. "Whats going on with you...." she murmured, more as a statement then a question.
He shrugged a little not knowing where to start... or even not knowing if he wanted to start telling her. Part of it he didn't know if he even could explain properly. He reached for the vodka... but then reclined, thinking he better not. He didn't need it for now.
He wondered why she wanted him back. What had made her change all of a sudden from how it was before. A part of him continued not to care... but that part was slowly shrinking. He shook his head. He really didn't know what to say for a while.
"Me... whats going on with me.... its not like I'm the only one away from Padua...." He says, looking back at her. "I mean, you came to find me... sure... but... you also said there were other reasons. So what's going on with you then? Are you only going to go back if I do? Why?"
She didn't know how to answer his questions. Sure, she had her reasons, but they weren't important. She looked back up at the roof for a moment before closing her eyes. "It doesn't..... Just...." She sighed and decided it would be easier for everyone if she tried to explain it.
"To find you was the main reason. Your messages... If I died trying then at least I could say I tried. I know you can look after yourself.... I just had to make sure you were actually ok." She thought for a moment trying to decide how to word the rest of it. "I currently run the group.... Well, I use to. It's kind of hard to be boss of anything when you're thought to be dead... Not that it matters, the boss' don't seem to last there. Missing or killed." She opens her eyes again but keeps looking at the roof. "I never wanted to be a Rogue. I don't belong there... I just needed to get out before I died as one"
She was still having trouble keeping her thoughts collected, and knew she wasn't likely to be making any sense. She still felt drowsy and the pain was bad. "I don't know... I had no plans on what to do once I got here... I didn't expect to actually make it." She rubbed her eyes before returning her hands to where they were. "I wont stay here... I'm in half a mind to go call off the killing squads myself, and reality is I have no where else to go.... She didn't know whether she was planning on going back or not. She knew she should but she really didn't want to. "I have no where else to go Jackson. The Rogues are safe compared to what I'd have to deal with if I was ever found by people I use to know." She smiled nervously, she knew what would happen if her father ever found her. So much so that she didn't risk using her real name in the Rogue ranks.
"I'm just going to shut up now... I'm making no sense...." She closed her eyes as she stopped talking, hoping he wouldn't push for any more information. "It just seemed like a good idea at the time. The way she said this made it clear she really didn't want to talk about it.
In the silence and while she was talking Jackson was listening. When she finished and the silence enclosed them again, he broke it after a slow exhale, really thinking about what to say. He looked at her then and his eyes shown some more of what he felt deep inside.
"And how do you think I would have felt... if you died just because you were looking for me..."
He quickly closed that opening as he looked away and then stood up, taking the bottle with him as he walked to the work-desk with all the mess of notes above it. He put the bottle on the table and turned on a lamp there and the wall with the notes were lit up. They were all covering a large sketched out map of Sirius. He leaned on the table looking away from her and at the wall with his hands both resting on the top. He reached for the bottle again and sipped some more.
"I guess... you would then understand... I don't feel like I belong in the Rogues either. I'm not accepted... I don't fit... And there is a whole lot more than Liberty... as you know since you came out here... That's how I realized..."
He put the drink down again and dragged his fingers against the wall.
"This whole mission... sending me out to try to kill me... has worked the exact opposite. I feel more stronger... I feel more confident... I feel that I can take better chances..." He runs is fingers over a paper pinned on the O-Iota system he had charted that had rough locations of what was there. "There is so much to find... so many opportunities to see where I actually fit in... I have a taste of it... I don't want to let it slip... It feels like freedom all over again. Liberty is too small. Too tight. Out here.... Openness... A sense that I can go anywhere...
The Rogues aren't safe for me, nor are they in any way for me... productive. I just sat on my ass doing the same thing. I got bored. Out here... at least when I sit I sit on pin-needles. You have to be on the move to survive out here... or else you are a sitting target.
I thought before I had no where else to go.... in reality... that's not the case. Somewhere out there is where I belong... or at least... something that I will connect with..."
He looked back at her then. It was those same eyes and then he looked away again to the side.
"And how do you think I would have felt... if you died just because you were looking for me..."
That look... It looked like he still had some feelings, but she didn't want to take her chances. She shook her head and as he looked away from her she mumbled "I didn't think you'd care...."
She looked across at the notes, unable to make all of the details out but she could see it was a map. He had his back to her again, still drinking. She looked away for a moment, until he started talking again. She didn't say a word as she listened to him. She understood what he was saying. The Rogues were an interesting group in the sense that you either 'fit in' or you didn't. Once you upset the wrong person they were brutal in telling you it was time to move on. She shook her head slightly, still unable to figure out why Moka had decided to send him on this suicide mission. Moving her hair out of her face with one hand, flinching as she found the rest of the cuts and bruises.
"something that I will connect with.. or someone."
She looked across at him only to find he was looking at her again, the same look as before. She couldn't quite figure out what it was about it before he looked away again. What he had said caught her off guard, She knew he would find someone he connected with - he was a good guy, Rogue or not, he would meet the right person one day. But, it wasn't her. If she was honest with herself, this realization hurt. She looked back up at the roof and closed her eyes.
![[Image: zBEqQfl.jpg?1]](https://i.imgur.com/zBEqQfl.jpg?1)
