Frontier: Sort-Of Original Sci-Fi Story

[stardust47]

I've been writing an original story called Frontier.
Frontier is a lot of things. It's an epic comedic science fiction post-cyberpunk adventurous romance.
Or at least it will be- only the first chapter is online.
It can be read here, here or here.
EDIT: TV Tropes page, if anybody cares about that.

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[SparkyRailgun]

LEE ENFIELDS 4EVA

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[Anaximander]

Thanks, that's a pretty decent read. I'll just give you a bit of constructive critique from my POV. Hope you can use it.

I don't know what you want to use the story for but I suspect you put more work into it and want more out of it than the general short stories in the Biographies section. My critique is based on that assumption.

You emphasise that it is an 'original story' yet you stick to very familiar angles, from naming (Arthur C. Clarke to the CoD favourite Lee-Enfield) to narrative. While that isn't a problem in itself, you can bank your money on most readers being very familiar with the references and narrative - in short it doesn't sit well with 'original' labelling.

The openIng is also somewhat problematic - we are introduced to our stubbled hero, yet moments later his mom brushes him off like he is a ten year old boy. The reader is left with a confused image of who this character is, and if this framing of him as a child and not a young man is intentional.

Also it is very unwise to choose Tel Aviv as the scene of a historic event. It is highly politically controversial and you will automatically shun a large bulk of your readers by infusing real-life political controversy into your science fiction universe. Also NATO is a North Atlantic organisation - Israel do not and will not ever hold membership and in the light of the last few weeks' events in the UN it might even be implausible that major Western states, save for the US, would take a stand alongside Israel. I hope you see why it is a troublesome choice for something that is supposed to be a minor detail to enrich your sci-fi universe.

It was a good read however, the pacing was fine too. I hope I am not stepping on your toes - I come from an academic environment where we basically spend all day criticising each other's productions and for me at least critique is a friend and a gift but I understand and apologize if this wasn't what you were looking for.

Also I'm writing on an iPhone so I'm sorry if my post is messed up.

[stardust47]

K, thanks for the feedback. I'll make some adjustments.
EDIT: I also don't play COD. I mostly know the Lee-Enfield from Day of Defeat and books about WW2.

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[stardust47]

Added Chapter 2, at long last. Chapter 3 will be up soonish, since I'll be away from school for Christmas.

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