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It was then he realized the gentle touch was a bit threatening, even if it wasn't intended.
"I'm sorry, Elena," he apologized, "I didn't mean to come across as threatening. I guess it's part of my demeanor as a physician and one who cares about people."
He re-filled his coffee as he listened, offering her the same. Then he looked at his watch.
"If you can get yourself ready, we can leave in an hour or so," he stated. I just need a quick shower and to get my medical bag together." He then smiled a bit, "I have a feeling that you will find this very rewarding."
The coffee was burning hot on her tongue when Elena grabbed the cup Doc had filled anew and dashed it down in one go. But she didn’t mind, after all she had scalded her tongue with the first cup already. She put the now empty cup on the table again with a deadpan stare in her eyes, with nearly no expression on her face, even though there was so much going on in her head again. Yet, she was not very keen on showing everything. Although she still remembered that she was actually with a therapist, and a therapist’s job was to help, and he could only help her if he knew what was going on in her head, she actually preferred to keep it for herself, at least for now. How much of her demeanor still told him something about how she felt – that she was unable to tell for sure. But what she didn’t want to happen today was to once again blubber out all her sentimental stories that she had treasured up. She wouldn’t show it on such an emotional scale as she had done yesterday, and above all she wouldn’t retreat now. Fight or flight – it was the fight that would be the name of the game. She was not sure for how long she would manage to stick to that decision, but she just hoped and prayed hard that it would take a while until she would crumble and fall back into old bearings.
It was a weird feeling she felt as she rose from the chair she had sat on before and instead leaned against the table and looked into his eyes. She still hadn’t uttered one word, as if she was tongue-tied, but in reality it was just her being busy with thinking, or more so overthinking. Was it actually motivation that had come up in her mind? Trust? How could that be? What had inspired her with confidence all of a sudden now? She didn’t know, but what she knew was that she could only imagine herself at that camp of children next. The thought of said camp was not as fear-evoking anymore as it had been before. It was some sort of dither and stir that had lodged itself in her head, but it was not necessarily of the negative sort this time. She had actually heard his words for real this time. Heard in this case meant that she did believe in them. Although everything seemed to overwhelm in a strange kind of way, it was like she might be on the right path by now, finally, after all these months of only getting deeper and deeper into the monstrosity of her own emotions.
She nodded at him, a little reluctantly, but afterwards she pressed a smile on her face that didn’t even look to artificial. In some way, it was an earnest one. When she listened closer to her body, she could feel a slight tingling sensation welling up in her stomach. It was pleasant.
“I’m ready when you are,” she said with a firm voice that virtually had an edge of grimness, but not an overly aggressive one. Rather one that would make clear to anybody that she was determined to tackle what had so far given grief to her up to the point of severe self-hatred. “Don’t worry, everything is okay. It was just a … I don’t know, reaction by instinct is what you would call it, I guess.” Inwardly, she heaved a loud sigh, but didn’t dare uttering it. She despised that anxiety she had accumulated over the months, but despite all her wishing she couldn’t just stop it like she could stop engines or computer programs. It was her hoping that this too would get better over time.
She exhaled deeply. “I’ve got that feeling, too,” she admitted, weighed her head sideways in a slight angle and stepped a step forward, away from the table and a tad closer to him. She would still prefer a certain distance between them, though. “Or rather, I hope it’ll be that way. Actually, I’m looking forward to it. Maybe it won’t be as bad as my, admittedly, vivid imaginations tell me, who knows? Maybe it’ll be great, maybe it makes things better.” They would have to see to whether wish was father to those thoughts or not.
She walked past him, but just when she was about to go through the door, she would turn her head around. Her eyes shone bright in thoughtfulness. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to walk a little around the estate while you have your shower and prepare everything. Are you alright with that? I really have to stretch my legs before we go visit the children.” A lopsided smile crawled on her face as she said that.
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"Mi casa es su casa," Doc replied. "Take a look around. It's a bit on the side of nostalgic around here as I've done virtually nothing to change anything. It's pretty much still the way Midori and I set it up years ago. Do feel free to visit the guest houses if you like," he added, "they're quite nice and warm. Hopefully the snow didn't make the short walk to them too long."
With a smile, Doc headed for his room to get ready for the day.
He was content. Not overly happy but content as he went about getting ready. Shaving to clean up his small beard and full mustache before showering. It was getting his long hair prepared that took time as he let it grow down. He was the CEO of his Enterprise and had no one to answer to!
He daydreamed a bit, taking breaks to stare off while he showered...or fixed his hair....or got clothing ready. It was nice having a female presence in the estate again. It was calming in a way even if she was a patient trying to conquer demons. Doc himself knew all to well about conquering demons as he had a few of his own. She was an attractive woman and to this point had kept those thoughts to himself.
When he was in his room going through his wardrobe, he stopped and picked up the picture of him and Midori on their wedding day. He managed a soft smile.
"I miss you, Dahlin' and still love you," he said softly. "I'll forever regret that day I let you go."
Then he paused before adding, "She is lovely, isn't she?" The smile on his face, at least to him, was one of her approval.
With that, Doc got into a pair of slacks, long sleeved shirt and a heavy black coat to deal with the cold. He would go into the kitchen with a large medical bag, looking for Elena, seeing if she was ready.
While Doc had gotten dressed and ready, Elena had gone for a short stroll around the Estate, after all he had allowed her to. Since it seemed to be a rather large area, there would surely be a few things for her to discover, she deliberated as she put her jacket and shoes on to go outside. And if she was lucky this time, mayhaps discovering the one or other in the gardens would also quieten her scattered, someway wooly thoughts. Elena had never been a child of snow, since snow was rather scarce on her home planet Stuttgart in general, but on the other hand, she liked gardens and especially larger parks. After she had bundled up would she leave the warm, cozy main house of the Estate and begin her walk around the rest of the place.
It didn’t take long for her to get reminded again why she hated snow. Even with the padded hood of her jacket which covered up most of her head, the slight breeze still felt as though it pierced myriad little needles through her skin. Nonetheless, Elena did not go back to the warmth of the building and instead gnashed her teeth and just went on, leaving behind her footprints in the snow. The way she walked around the Estate did not follow any discernible pattern. In fact, when she was on the way back into the house and had a brief look at her own footprints, they were far more akin to a miniature odyssey. The view elicited an equally miniature smile from her, together with a head shake that virtually emitted resignation.
As she had reached the gardens, she had to find with frustration that naturally most of the garden’s plants and flowers were still covered under a thick layer of snow yesterday’s blizzard had brought with it. Here and there some faint colors peeked out, though, in the flower’s dire attempt to reach daylight. At one point Elena, who anew had gotten into thinking and thinking and digressing from the actual point of her little walk, sunken in thoughts, kneeled down before one of the flowerbeds. With her gloved hand she removed the upper layers of the snow, to get a glimpse of what it looked like beneath the white masses. There were flowers, as expected, a plethora of them. For a brief moment Elena pondered whether to pick one or two up, since she happened to be fond of their color – not standing out, but definitely nice to look at. In the end, she took one. A blue one, self-evidently. Momentarily she sniffed it, realized there was barely any scent coming from it, and walked on.
In the end, her little trip by foot had not gone as she would have wanted it to. Instead of appeasing her thoughts, it had just provoked them even more, even though in mere silence this time. Not outbursts of fury, no tears. But in some way, she felt worse than before when she opened the door leading into the house again. More by accident than planned did she return only shortly after Doc had readied himself and packed his medical bag. If those trips out in the snow were to go on for the next days as well, she would inevitably catch a chill, she thought to herself and sighed as she treaded into the house, walking down the entry hall into the kitchen, where Doc already waited for her.
“Alright, there I am again,” she said as she entered, putting down the hood. In contrast, inside the building it was considerably warmer, it felt almost like a sauna. She gave him a brief smile afterwards. “I think your gardens would be a lot nicer if there wasn’t all this pesky snow overcasting the flowers.” She kept both hands in her jacket pockets, imperceptibly fiddling about with the one flower she had ripped out. “So, are we ready?” Her voice didn’t exactly scream sheer enthusiasm, but instead was more or less neutral.
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Doc just smiled a bit. "If you found flowers beneath the snow then that's a good sign. Midori planted a lot of Chrysanthemums of all kinds of colors. Some were pretty hardy and stood up well to cold and all are flowering plants. I haven't paid much attention to them to be honest but it's nice knowing they still blossom even now. Where we're going though it's not as wintery and it's actually comfortable and the shuttlecraft is warm."
He buttoned up his coat, put on a pair of gloves and put on his trademark hat. His eyeglass case was slipped into an internal pocket in his coat. Buried beneath his layers of clothing were his pistols. He never left without them nor did he brandish them unless it was the last resort. With a kind smile he escorted Elena to the shuttle. It was one of simple design as Doc himself was only a transport pilot and not combat pilot rated. It was a relatively short flight to Port Jackson but the sun was shining and it was actually comfortable outside after they set the shuttle down on the landing pad.
"Port Jackson," he stated as he let her disembark from the shuttle first. "A suburb of Port Canaria dedicated the refugees from Bretonia going back to it's war with Kusari."
There was only a light breeze but it didn't make things uncomfortable. A refurbished military vehicle approached, refurbished into a limo.
"Dr. Holliday," said the driver as they shook hands, "it's been some time since we've seen you. Welcome back." He glanced over at Elena.
"Good to see you again, Simon," answered Doc. He then motioned to Elena, "I'd like you to meet ........a friend of mine, Elena."
"Ma'am," said the driver, tipping his hat to her. He then let them both in, first her, then him and drove them to an office.
It was a medical office. A staff of a dozen or so were inside, all of whom were excited to see their boss. Doc introduced Elena but left it on a first name basis. He didn't address her as a patient, only a friend that was going to spend the day with him. They had a staff briefing of current events to which Elena was invited. It was a lot of medical and patient talk and a plan for the day. Once the meeting concluded, he turned to Elena, "Ready?"
While she had been on edge for the most part of the flight to Port Jackson and from there to his office, Elena quickly managed to relax at least a little bit. Especially since he apparently preferred to not say one word about the therapy or her being a patient. It was relieving to her, and almost made her forget about what they were here for – to give therapy to her. Admittedly, it was probably not the usual kind of therapy, judging from what she had thought it to be like prior to their first meeting. But perhaps it was really better and would help more if it wasn’t the usual kind of therapy – the one with sitting on couches and talking, talking, and more talking. Even though, when she went soul-searching for a moment, she realized that she was mildly afraid of what was to come. That it was an irrational fear that she nourished here she was not able to come to realize. And thus she couldn’t easily shake off those worries.
To be fair, the staff briefing had a calming effect on her – or more so one that almost managed to lull her into sleep again. The flood of medical jargon that clashed against her ears tired her out to some degree, up to the point when she just sat on her chair and did not listen to their conversations anymore. Instead she was sunk in thoughts. At some point they turned back to the point of their visit, which was the point when she woke with a start again and sat up straight on her chair.
Relieved that the meeting was finally over, she turned to Doc and rose from her chair quickly afterwards, stroking through her hair. It conveyed a somewhat edgy impression, even though Elena apparently did well in covering it up to some degree. Folding her arms behind her back, she answered him with a nod of assent. “Yeah, I’m ready,” she meant with strained tone of voice. Although she did not feel that way. But there barely was a turning back now; that is from her own perspective. “Let’s go pay them a visit.”
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His medical bag in hand and Elena not more than a few steps away, they made there way to a school. Doc often found this a good environment to give kids routine exams without raising suspicions.
"When kids aren't in a doctor's office, they tend to be more relaxed and lose the fear of a doctor," he explained. "Also, teachers know the students and if they see something that I should pay extra attention to, they let me know without raising suspicions of children."
When they entered, it only took one student to see Dr. Holliday walking in to go excited.
"It's Doctor Holliday!" they would yell and just about everyone would come running.
For anyone watching, it was pure joy. Doc's face lit up like the sun and he hugged as many as he could. The ones he didn't know, the newest arrivals since his last visit, were the ones he tried to speak with first. One boy, about seven years old, stood next to the kneeling doctor.
"What is your name, Son?" Doc asked him.
"Simon," he said sheepishly.
The boy went silent for a moment as he noticed the doctor's bag and then looked back at Doc. He wasn't smiling and seemed nervous. He then pointed at the bag and asked, "Doctor, are you going to stick me with a needle too?"
Doc looked puzzled as he repeated those words out loud to himself, "...stick me with a needle too?...."
The teacher noticed as well and motioned her head to a separate room to where Doc took the boy.
"Let me see your arm, Simon," he asked. He shook his head.
"Simon, I can't help you if you won't let me," Doc replied with kind assurance.
"I'm scared," the boy said.
"That's OK," answered Doc, "I promise I won't hurt you."
It was then the boy pulled removed his shirt. Needle marks were all over his arms. Doc was appalled and visibly disgusted.
"Simon, who is doing this to you?" he asked.
A tear started falling down his face. "M...m...my......mother. Ever since Dad died, she's been getting angry. I don't go home. If I don't go home, she doesn't hurt me."
Doc hugged him gently, "It's OK, Son. I'm going to fix it." He then ran a scan of his internals. "No cardamine and no stabiline thank goodness. For now, put your shirt back on and go back to your classmates. I will fix this later." The boy did as instructed while Doc shook his head, trying to control his rage which he finally did after a few minutes.
He returned to the class only to get mobbed again. At the same time, a young girl approached Elena. "Are you a doctor too?" She was intrigued by the stranger.
It was akin to a storm breaking loose when the children came washing up like a tidal wave, loud clamour pounding against Elena’s ears all of a sudden as the huge crowd ran towards them. All kids had their arms outflung in pure glee. They seemed absolutely overjoyed to see this man again. Overjoy was not the case for Elena, however. The moment she had caught sight of the sudden waves of children heading for them, she had, as if by instinct, stiffened up, crossed her arms and stepped aside to make way for the crowds to reach Doc. Only a few seconds of glancing at those childish faces, large balls that somebody had stuck on a far too tiny body, were enough for the pesky lump in her throat to reappear anew. Nervously she began scratching her throat, as if that would make it disappear again, and drumming with the fingers against her upper arms. It made her breathing accelerate. The way how Doc suddenly turned into a deliriously happy version of himself only contributed to her feeling even more uneasy.
When he began inspecting one of the little boys, all of a sudden the pictures were back again, flicking over her inner eyelid. They came like rapid-fire and carried her off to a place and time she should have long left behind herself, if it was not for the fact she was seemingly incapable of leaving them be. Her surroundings – the school, the children - already began to pale, her ears began to turn deaf again, the clamor of child’s voices fading out more and more.
That’s when that young girl’s voice suddenly rang in her head like a loud horn, even though her voice itself was not as ear-deafening. It was a pretty weak, feeble one in fact. “Are you a doctor too?”
At a stroke Elena started from her previous bout of memories, had a look around, only to find the little girl staring up at her. “Huh,” she said, the confusion of hers still thick in her voice. Her heart needed some time to calm down from that little fright. For a second or two, Elena silently looked down at the girl. Long hair, not quite distinguishable if it was supposed to be brown or blonde. But most of all, her facial contours seemed weirdly familiar to her. It took her another moment to realize what it was. But then it struck her. As fortune (or misfortune) would have it, the girl came close to being a spitting image of somebody Elena had by now often seen in her dreams. It made her swallow hard at first glance. It was as though she was the incarnation of her worst nightmares.
After she had contained herself to a degree, she said, though still stammeringly, “No, I’m not a doctor.” Following Doc’s example, she as well kneeled down to be at eye level with the girl. She had piercingly blue eyes that were quite difficult to look into, least for Elena.
“Who are you then?” the girl asked and weighed her head to the side in a questioning manner.
“I’m a friend of Doctor Holliday. My name’s Elena.”
Brief moment of silence. They just looked at each other, Elena in a more or less unsteady way, the girl rather curiously. She immediately caught her staring at her dyed hair.
Elena licked her dry lips. “What’s your name?”
The girl put her head back into normal position and began fiddling about with the sleeves of the little jacket she was wearing. “Maria,” she said.
Elena managed a smile. It looked a little strained, but at least there was one. “That’s a very nice name.” Funnily enough, Maria happened to be her own second name. She could count the people knowing about that on one hand, though. She tended to keep that as a secret. “Did you know that your name means as much as ‘untamable one’, Maria?” Doing as Doc had told her, she would simultaneously reach out with her hand to ruffle through the little girl’s hair, though not too much. Her hand was still shaking.
“Sounds cool,” the girl said and nodded her head, which made it easier for Elena to go through her hair. It was more than obvious that the little one enjoyed it, judging from the silent giggling noises she made.
By now, Elena had relaxed, mostly that is. Her next question however would probably turn out far too blunt. “Why are you here?”
At an instant the giggling stopped and the girl looked up at Elena. Immediately she regretted having asked that question in the first place.
“My parents… they…” the little girl tried to say, but her voice cracked up soon afterwards. Not even a second ticked away when there was a pair of arms keeping the girl in a gentle hug. Call it a mother’s instinct.
“Hey… hey, come on,” Elena said, stroking over the little girl’s back with one hand and trying to comfort her. It was a weird feeling she had in her stomach at that point, as though she was in a wrong movie, but that she kept for herself. There was sorrow welling up inside her, too, as she listened to the girl sniffing on her shoulder. She couldn’t help but stiffen up again.
After a while of sniffing, the girl said, “I just want them to come back. I … I miss them.”
Elena had to press her eyelids together. It would not have helped if there were two weeping copiously right now. Thus, she got her shit together. In- and exhaling deeply and calmly a few times, she attempted to make her heart beat slower. After a moment of gathering herself, she said, “It’s alright." It felt weird to say that. And it felt even weirder how her own words didn’t sound convincing to herself at all. Yet she said them. “It’s gonna be alright. I know how you feel. I’m still missing somebody, too.”
And like that, they would remain in a hug that got tighter and tighter for a while.
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For the moment, Doc didn't pay much attention to Elena's hugging the child as he himself was being mobbed by children. They loved him and loved it more when he showed up. He hid his exams in his visiting with the children and made his visits fun. With one little girl sitting on his lap he was "trying" to use his stethoscope. He would put it anywhere where her heart wasn't and say, "I can't find it. It must be over here."
She would giggle and say "no" each time he was wrong. "Oh...OH...there it is." This would be followed up by a child using the stethoscope on Doc himself resulting in the tickling of a child to get it back.
In other cases, "uh-oh. You need a shot." They all knew that he used an injector that was painless but would run from him anyway. Once caught, he would "shoot" them with the injector and say "got you!"
Once examinations were done, he would teach a health class or something science and then have snack time with them. He always provided healthy snacks. Doc loved children and it showed whenever he was with the kids. It made him feel something he had been missing for some time.
It was at one point during the commotion that Doc turned and noticed the embrace shared by the child and Elena. For a moment, he smiled softly as he watched. When he saw tears, gritted his teeth a bit. He knew Maria and knew that her case was sadly not uncommon. For Maria, it was harder than most. It didn't take a psychotherapist to notice that she found something that she needed and that was someone who had been there....someone who really understood. In reality, Doc only watched for maybe thirty seconds but it was thirty seconds that seemed like an eternity. Before he turned back to his work, he nodded and again gave a soft smile of approval. She may not have noticed the his attention but what Doc sort of wanted to happen did so on a grand scale. Yes, there were people who were just as bad off or worse than Elena that couldn't do anything about it. It was his hope that she learned this and he believed that she was in the process of it. He didn't interfere in the moment in word or act.
They remained in their pose for a while, the girl standing up straight and Elena kneeling and hunched to provide the little child with a shoulder to cry her tears on. She as well fought with tears, but managed to choke them back for the time being – even though it might have been more ridding for her to chime in to the weeping. But what would that help right now anyways? It was obvious that this girl had gone through a lot, far too much for a child like her. While Elena herself had gone through a lot just as much, she was a woman grown, and it was her part now to comfort instead of cry. A role she reluctantly began to grow into, although it hurt. She would have never expected that a child’s weep could be so blood-curdling, the recurring sobs and the panting for air afterwards went right through her. Keeping the girl in a close hug, tighter and tighter as the sobbing went on, Elena gazed into the distance, without looking at something specifically. She was as though petrified of the situation she was in. The way the girl cried her lungs out reminded her of the worst of nightmares she had had in the more recent past. Weeping children had filled and were still filling those kind of dreams. And now she was in one of them again. Like a dream come true, in a grotesque sense.
“Why can’t they come back?” the girl cried out loud, although it sounded muffled by the way she pressed her face onto Elena’s shoulder. More of a question addressed to the world than to Elena. She could not help but turn her head onto the other side, to look away from the child. It were exactly those questions she had asked herself far too often already. Closing her eyes, she tried to compose herself, but as she opened them again, the tears came crushing down her cheeks. She would not make the impression of a whimperer to this girl though, she told herself.
In a way she felt absolutely helpless in that situation. Not only because of her own troubles, but because she neither knew what to tell this little girl. She did not have the answers either. “I know, it must be hard for you,” she said, voice strained to prevent any hiccup. It was the only thing to say she could think of, but nonetheless it sounded inappropriate.
For a while the girl just kept on shedding tears and wetting Elena’s shoulders, but she let her, just as she let her own tears drop down. In the meantime, she let herself get carried away by her own thoughts again while absentmindedly stroking over the girl’s head of hair. Memories began to force themselves upon her anew. Memories of hours upon hours of self-loathing, crying her lungs out herself, and last but not least of her shameful attempt to end the misery. For a moment she choked upon her lump.
Then she heard the girl’s voice again. It cut through her thoughts like a sharpened sword once again. “It’s all my fault.” I
It roughly jolted Elena out of her thoughts at an instant. No, that was no true, she thought. Wiping away her own tears for a moment, she retracted her head to look the girl straight into the eyes. The eye contact felt incredibly hurtful, like a shot fired into her stomach, but she kept it. Right now, she did not care about her own reddened eyes either. “Listen,” she began. The girl was reluctant, but finally looked at her, although still under tears. While keeping one hand on the girl’s shoulder, with the other she dabbed off these tears. “I know exactly how you feel, it’s terrible and you don’t know what’s going on and you don’t know where to go either.” She choked, but went on. “But no matter what happened, it is not your fault, alright? Never even think about that again, do you understand me? It was not your fault.” It was almost an imploring look she gave the girl.
The girl kept quiet.
“You’re not alone,” Elena said. “Even though you might feel that way.” At least that is how she had been feeling most of the time. It felt queer to say it. She did not truly believe in what she had said either, but something made her say it nonetheless. Maybe something inside her that was a lot wiser and more prudent than she had suspected. Managing to somehow keep her countenance, she began to rummage around in the pockets of her jacket, until she found something. She offered it to the girl. “Here. Take this. As a reminder of what I told you, alright?”
Once again reluctantly, the girl took the blue flower, looked at it, sniffed at it. The tears had become less and less by now. She gave a single nod, pressing the flower against her little chest.
Slowly Elena stood up, which felt quite exhausting to her surprise. She again tousled through the girl’s hair, while showing a little smile on her own face. She felt weird, more or less speechless. Her thoughts were in turmoil, but not at all violent or tumultuous. More like she was not far away from coming to realize something anymore.
While the girl did as she was told, wiping away the rest of her tears and searching for others to play with, Elena too went on a search, however for Doc. She had lost track of him long ago, it seemed.
