Feedback time! (can you guess for which story?!)

[Xing]

Enslaved Angel Girl

Misao Mitsurugi is a 16 years old girl of the Kusari Empire' noble cast. After being influenced through books and personal encounter with various commoners, she decides to escape home and join the revolutionary forces of Kusari. Her illusion for a better world fade away soon enough in a few weeks stay among the Chrysanthemum, as she discovered the group, while having grown in power and number exponentially, was also divided by multiple in fighting.

Too ashamed to admit her own defeat, she refuses to go home despite the generous bounty put on her head for anyone bringing her back to New Tokyo safely. Instead, she goes living on the wild with her ship, trying to live some life as she hops from one place to another, in search of a job, always in place where the police enforcement was the least present... which led her, little by little toward the underworld of Kusari crime, without her even realizing it...

The story begins when she lands on a seemingly abandoned star port on planet Kyushu...

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The story is co written by me and HeavyMetalQueen. Now, read, and comment!!! NAU!!!
Special thanks to stewcool grammar nazi who corrected first few posts.
Misao and the slave liner Heavy Metal Queen are existent characters on server!

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[rayne]

I enjoyed reading it, look forward to more additions.

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Julia Wolfe's exploits as a secret agent
Liberty Intelligence Agency Recruitment

[tazuras]

The stories pretty good, it really added some flavor to slavers and Kusari for me.

I really enjoyed the characters, although Saito is pretty cliche, but that's ok.

Umm, they still have shotguns in this time period? That collar doesn't sound terribly reliable either, a piece of gauze could disarm it. I did like the rustic flavor it added though, not everything needs to be high tech or futuristic.

The only major critique I have is more detailed descriptions would be great, painting more of an image of the setting. I rather need to work on this myself sometimes and you accomplished it very well in some places, like the slave pit. The inside of the HMQ could have been better described, perhaps the market as well, although I could picture that easily based on that nice little detail about hard credits.

Overall though, very good.

Now read my LPR stuff!:P

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[Xing]

hm... I left the description of the HMQ rather open, because it is HMQ' ship. I could describe it a bit more, if she gave me the permission to do such - I have a small idea of what it could looks like inside, but my plans would be somewhat contradicted by the fact Saito claimed in game the interior of the vessel was actually quite clean and high tech...

Also, well, how does a piece of gauze disable the slave collar? I'm not too sure to understand...
The shotgun shell was the idea of HMQ x) idk why would we still have shotgun - my guess is that, firearms are cheaper to produce and not that less efficient than laser weapons, so it's still popular among the criminals.

thanks! And I've been reading your LPR thing - sounds good!

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[tazuras]

YAY!

And yes, a lot of the critique was more directed at HMQ than you, but it was collaborative so i figured it would be ok to put that here.

As for the slave collar and gauze, put some wadded up gauze between the hammer's and shotgun shells and it shouldn't work. I got the impression this would be feasible from the description. Nitpicky stuff though.

Like I said, give me moah! I must feed off of it's dramatic deliciousness!!!!
:crazy::yes:

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[stewcool]

>.< Grammar Nazi For the Win!

I shall read the rest and see if Nazism takes it's toll!

EDIT: ACK! There is several things for me to correct I can see.

Do I proof read heavy's as well?

//I'll send the correct stuff eventually.

//Stopped correcting at post 5 until I am to continue with corrections upon Heavy's

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[Xing]

a friendly bump, and feel free to comment on our interactions in game as well!

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