*DELETE*

[jammi]

Right, I've just read through Jeffery Allen's personality dysfunction. Very well written, but I do have a few qualms. You've made it very hard to read.

You need to space paragraphs better, placing a clearly visible divide between each line. Currently you have a block of text, leaving the reader nothing more than a jagged edge on the right hand side of the page to gauge a new paragraph. It also makes it incredibly easy to lose your place. Adding the spaces would massively improve the ease of reading.

There's also a few minor grammatical mistakes; things like capitalisation and your/you're. It's going to be a long haul to sort those out, but once it's done it'll make your work look professional and neat.

And two final points. One, I noticed something in the following part:

'All the more reason to leave this human and begin our search immediately.'
'The human could be useful.'
'I agree.'

It seems a little odd that Voice Blue would state one clear opinion - abandon the human, only to change it's mind when Voice Red says it could be useful. I could be reading into that wrong though, it is pretty late (early) here.

The final point is... Stop bumping your own feedback thread! D:

So yeah, it is a very good read, but it need some work on the technical and presentational side of things. There's also some striking similarity to my story Destiny, what with the Cambridge and Artifact connections. I would agree to sign up as an editor to proof read and work through any posts you want me to, but I'm delirious through sleep deprivation at the moment, so I'd have to review that offer when I'm sane again later this morning.

T-minus 98

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News article library, feedback and content requests.

[Tomtomrawr]

Right, I've just read through Jeffery Allen's personality dysfunction. Very well written, but I do have a few qualms. You've made it very hard to read.

You need to space paragraphs better, placing a clearly visible divide between each line. Currently you have a block of text, leaving the reader nothing more than a jagged edge on the right hand side of the page to gauge a new paragraph. It also makes it incredibly easy to lose your place. Adding the spaces would massively improve the ease of reading.

There's also a few minor grammatical mistakes; things like capitalisation and your/you're. It's going to be a long haul to sort those out, but once it's done it'll make your work look professional and neat.

And two final points. One, I noticed something in the following part:

'All the more reason to leave this human and begin our search immediately.'
'The human could be useful.'
'I agree.'

It seems a little odd that Voice Blue would state one clear opinion - abandon the human, only to change it's mind when Voice Red says it could be useful. I could be reading into that wrong though, it is pretty late (early) here.

The final point is... Stop bumping your own feedback thread! D:

So yeah, it is a very good read, but it need some work on the technical and presentational side of things. There's also some striking similarity to my story Destiny, what with the Cambridge and Artifact connections. I would agree to sign up as an editor to proof read and work through any posts you want me to, but I'm delirious through sleep deprivation at the moment, so I'd have to review that offer when I'm sane again later this morning.

T-minus 98

I'm going to go through it now, making the paragraphs shorter and neater.

Your and You're, I always struggle with that kind of thing. I know that you're and they're are shorter versions of you are and they are, just figured it out a few days ago.
I'll definately be re-reading it now, correcting any mistakes I see.

I'll go back to the voices conference now and give it some more detail.
And i'm just giving "updates" on my story, so people know when to check back in. But, the bumps are helpful:P.

I've never had time to read through any of your stories. I chose Cambridge because it is considered in-game as the centre of knowledge and education in Bretonia. I wanted a character in Bretonia, because I rarely go there and I think I should do more there.
If you're (got it right this time:D) offering to proof read my work I would really appreciate it, although make sure to have your sleep before you decide to or not.

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[17:45:39] Wolfs Ghost (Murphy): Tom, you have problems. Go kill yourself.
[19:25:12] Johnny (Jam): Tomtom, I will beat you with a spoon.
[14:22:56] Prarabdh Thakur: KILL HIM WITH A SHEEP.
[17:40:48] Eagle (Junes): Tom should be slapped with a spoon.
[11:32:18] Warspite: Thank you for being so awesome Tom. <3
[18:17:36] Metano: I love you tomtom
[20:06:24] Warspite: I will seriously give you epic head.

Edit: also, Tomtomrawr, fappin' like a boss.

[jammi]

Ok, I'm thinking more-or-less in a straight line. I'm gonna boot your stuff into Word and pick through it. I'll PM you any results.

And I wouldn't reccomend reading Destiny unless you've got a couple of days to spare... I kind of got carried away.



T-minus 95

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News article library, feedback and content requests.

[Tomtomrawr]

Alright, it all starts to make sense in the new tenth part!

I even managed to include a Shakespeare quote in there, from the witches at the beginning of Macbeth. I'm doing it at school and as Jeffery is a studier of history he would know about it and what it means.

To those who don't know what "What's fair is foul and what's foul is fair" means, if you ask i'll explain it.

---

[17:45:39] Wolfs Ghost (Murphy): Tom, you have problems. Go kill yourself.
[19:25:12] Johnny (Jam): Tomtom, I will beat you with a spoon.
[14:22:56] Prarabdh Thakur: KILL HIM WITH A SHEEP.
[17:40:48] Eagle (Junes): Tom should be slapped with a spoon.
[11:32:18] Warspite: Thank you for being so awesome Tom. <3
[18:17:36] Metano: I love you tomtom
[20:06:24] Warspite: I will seriously give you epic head.

Edit: also, Tomtomrawr, fappin' like a boss.

[AJBeast]

2 words on this last one : Holy ... **** ...

[Tomtomrawr]

2 words on this last one : Holy ... **** ...

I'm glad you like it.

Personally I find it disturbingly grusome and I am truly disturbed of thinking of something that sick.

I try my best:D.

---

[17:45:39] Wolfs Ghost (Murphy): Tom, you have problems. Go kill yourself.
[19:25:12] Johnny (Jam): Tomtom, I will beat you with a spoon.
[14:22:56] Prarabdh Thakur: KILL HIM WITH A SHEEP.
[17:40:48] Eagle (Junes): Tom should be slapped with a spoon.
[11:32:18] Warspite: Thank you for being so awesome Tom. <3
[18:17:36] Metano: I love you tomtom
[20:06:24] Warspite: I will seriously give you epic head.

Edit: also, Tomtomrawr, fappin' like a boss.

[Tomtomrawr]

The tenth part is complete. I'm trying to make every first post on a new page a talk from the mystery man, so thats what it is.

---

[17:45:39] Wolfs Ghost (Murphy): Tom, you have problems. Go kill yourself.
[19:25:12] Johnny (Jam): Tomtom, I will beat you with a spoon.
[14:22:56] Prarabdh Thakur: KILL HIM WITH A SHEEP.
[17:40:48] Eagle (Junes): Tom should be slapped with a spoon.
[11:32:18] Warspite: Thank you for being so awesome Tom. <3
[18:17:36] Metano: I love you tomtom
[20:06:24] Warspite: I will seriously give you epic head.

Edit: also, Tomtomrawr, fappin' like a boss.