I'm trying out some cool new stuff. If you'll click on the bold lettering sewn in throughout the entries, a window will open up with a picture relating. And - this is the one I like - in the <strike>latest</strike> entry (for now, it's "Becoming the Bull") you can click on the title, a window will open up and play a music track, once it's playing read on. A soundtrack of sorts.
I'm trying to intergrate these features throughout, so keep an eye out for what's clickable. Adds a little excitement to the read, methinks.
Feedback on the writing and RP is appreciated, and especially feedback on these features! Please tell me what you think!
Alright, I've been waiting for this one to come up, since I do have a bit of feedback for this character.
I haven't seen any ingame RP, so anything regarding that from me is going to be moot. Regarding the storyline, however, there are a few weaknesses.
Before I begin, however, remember that these are solely my opinions in response to a public feedback thread that you have posted, asking for feedback. I will answer the questions to the best extent of my honesty and knowledge.
I'm a fan of interesting, complex stories. While Draya obviously has a very intricate and detailed background that you are not revealing to us at the moment, one thing that I didn't like was "I'm going to become a Rogue."
What made Draya make this decision? To be honest, I saw the literal rogue/rebellious tomboy in her very early on in the story, but why?
Greed?
A passion for violence?
A hatred for lawfuls?
Reverend Del made an interesting comment the other day, one that especially pointed out something about the Liberty Rogues. They are, in fact, the only pirate faction in Sirius that was established to make moolah(money). They don't really have an ulterior motive.
So, this is going to be ever so slightly difficult to work out.
You do mention that Draya stole early on in her life and that she has a disdain for lawfuls, but that isn't exactly explained either. You really don't need to explain it, since it is hinted at. However, I'm more concerned at this point about the "how."
Having Draya walk into a bar on Rochester and enlist to become a rogue is slightly too simple. Yes, it does happen that way ingame, but that's due to the fact that the game itself is rather simple compared the RP between players on the server. So, there needs to be a little more interaction and reasoning here before she actually just walks in and decides to become a Rogue.
Finally, Rogues aren't nice people. Draya is a tough cookie, but Rogues aren't exactly just going to let a pretty girl stroll through unnoticed. Getting reimbursed and not kicked out is probably the best thing that could have possibly happened to her...like in her entire life. If you were Draya, would you walk through the slums at midnight? She's got to have grit to walk around in the place in the slums where all the hoods hang out. Go into more detail about how she did it
In my opinion, the story looks slightly rushed, and appears to be a bare bones version of what it really could be. You seem to have outlined your adventures ingame, but did not fill in on the details that could have happened.
On a final note, realize that my middle name is "Overkill." Figuratively. But I do take things to the next level, and I do realize that you could have been just looking for some casual writing here.
I do like the story quite a bit, and I think that the character is very refreshing. Good luck, and please do continue the story.
Quote:[7:42:05 PM][6:51:36 PM] Igor (Smokey): btw terry
[6:51:48 PM] Terrance Cooper: Ye?
[6:52:00 PM] Igor (Smokey): nothin
[6:52:03 PM] Igor (Smokey): just sayin btw
[6:52:05 PM] Terrance Cooper: <_<
Quote:Johnny_Haas: you shot anti criuse speed rockets!!!
Johnny_Haas: but why????
Johnny_Haas: ??
Johnny_Haas: why you shoot criuse speed rockets?
I'll start off by saying that yes, this is casual writing in every sense of the word. I apologise if you were expecting a whole lot out of the diary, but it's just that: A bare bones story, and a recounting of in game events.
That said, I'll start at the beginning.
She does indeed have a complex history. It's all in my head, and involves another character that I can't create yet, since the ship is being released in 4.85. I'll probably have it written before then, but yes, her history has a lot more involved.
A lot more. You have no idea yet.
This is a chapter in her life that is relatively simple. But your points are valid. Why did she become a Rogue? I'll just say her life never involved much kindness. There was some, but not enough to rub off on her. For Draya, becoming a Rogue is something that she thinks fits, and is something fairly famliliar to her. She needs to survive, she can't handle staying in one place and her current way of life, so she sets off. Joining the Rogues is just her 17-year-old solution to staying alive and doing something she's comfortable with.
As for getting recruited on Rochester, that's not exactly how it happened. Again, casual writing. She's writing this. She's not a descriptive person. I do that at times, I mirror my writing in logs to who is actually writing it. So yes, I'm not going into much detail here. I have other stories that do that. This chapter of Draya's life is a simple diary.
Got off track. Rochester. She meets a Junker. A Junker isn't a Rogue, but she manages to find out he knows one, and that if she happens to drag back a few Hunters for him, he might be willing to offer her something more. The Rogues aren't a very well-off group of people. I would think that of someone wanted to help their cause - young girl or not - they wouldn't be very opposed. In any case, she brings back the pilots and proves her worth somewhat in his eyes. Now he still doesn't just welcome her in just like that, and has her run a more official task in taking out the LPI patrol. She's still not accepted in after that. She only gets docking codes.
Now, as a side thought, I'm fully against the fact that all Rogues are cold-blooded miscreants. Sure, a whole lot of them are, but all of them? Liberty is plagued by poverty and strife in the commonfolk. Those people make up a large part of the Rogues. They aren't just a bunch of sweaty men who grunt and go "Arr!".
So yeah, final note: She didn't enlist on Rochester. You sort of misunderstood that.
Thanks again for the feedback. This is a fairly simple log/diary writing project here. Orin's Log is a bit more in-depth, because I write it as I would a weathered Freelancer, as opposed to a 17-year-old teen finding her way, and keeping track of her exploits.
I do understand you. The main point of my feedback, I believe you missed.
Yes, Draya isn't necessarily descriptive, but I was talking about events that you could have meagerly described that may not have happened within the scope of the game. In essence, I'm not saying add more description to what is already there, but to add what isn't already there. Instead of adding fat to the meat, you need to have the meat on the bones first.
For instance, to include something that I was hinting at before, you can describe how she actually met the Junker, or maybe how she defended herself from another rude Rogue.
All of those things can't happen in the regular scope of the game, but it can in your imagination. That was what I was looking forward to reading.
Quote:[7:42:05 PM][6:51:36 PM] Igor (Smokey): btw terry
[6:51:48 PM] Terrance Cooper: Ye?
[6:52:00 PM] Igor (Smokey): nothin
[6:52:03 PM] Igor (Smokey): just sayin btw
[6:52:05 PM] Terrance Cooper: <_<
Quote:Johnny_Haas: you shot anti criuse speed rockets!!!
Johnny_Haas: but why????
Johnny_Haas: ??
Johnny_Haas: why you shoot criuse speed rockets?
Feedback please. If you want to bash me for posting more than you, make a topic for that.
My biography format is the same for all my characters. It's more a description with an excerpt about them posted later. The stories and writing involving my characters provides the real delve into their personas and such.
A story of Draya's history is coming, as you would have seen if you read anything. I'm asking for feedback on the character, and her diary. If you aren't going to do that, stop posting. You're really getting on my nerves now.
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