"That's a good start, please, have a seat, and I prefer 'Captain' to 'Monsieur.' How can I be of service, madame?"
"Some men on the freeport said I could book passage with you to Sirius?"
"Oh, goddess, book passage? There's a three credit word the Widdershins would have to make change for! Sounds like you're aiming for a Orbital Excursion, they have an office in New Paris last I checked."
"I considered that, but now is not a good time for me to be in the capital..."
"I see. Well, if taking the scenic route via an Orbital trek through Rheinland doesn't tickle your fancy, we can take you with the Pilgrims to Shasta in Baffin. From there you can make your way to Liberty, Bretonia, or Kusari. However, there is a catch."
"There always is, how much?"
"Hah! Credits! What use are credits? No, the only book on this passage is the good book, the Principia Discordia! We're a pilgrim transport, not a pleasure cruise, so while I won't be going over your credentials terribly thoroughly, I do need to establish your bona fides in the one-ish true-ish faith-ish."
"Very well, what does that entail?"
"First, do you accept the Penta-Barf?"
"The penta-?"
"Barf, the collection of the 5 key principles of Discordianism. Everything happens in sets of five after all, even the things that don't. Especially the things that don't."
"I don't understand-"
"The more you learn, the less you understand. Kind of a hallmark of us. Anyway, it's five questions. First, do you accept that there is no goddess but the goddess and and that she is your goddess and that there is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement?"
"I don't really believe in gods or goddesses."
"But is Eris the one you don't believe in the most?"
"I guess so?"
"Close enough. Now how about the movement?"
"Uh, there is no Erisian movement but the Erisian movement?"
"The Erisian Movement. Capitalization is important, but we'll have time to work on that. Next, shall you always use the official Discordian Document Numbering System?"
"Uh, I would have thought that your people did not deal with such bureaucracy."
"Oh, you MUST have the bureaucracy. It's as fundamental a mover of the universe as energy, matter, and enlightened self interest, and much more enduring than pesky things like gravity and magnetism."
"What? How?"
"Well, the bureaucracy doesn't hold itself to an inverse-square law for one thing. Pesky things, those inverse squares, too many corners and none of them right."
"Um, yes, I will follow the official system. I assume there is a book or something that outlines it."
"Oh yes, but we filed it away somewhere and can't find it since no one knows the filing system. Anyway, on to tenant number three: Will you eat a hot dog with a bun on Fridays?"
"Is that what you're eating?"
"Is a pope Discordian?"
"I thought the Pope was Catholic?"
"The Pope is not a pope, we must have you work on your demonstrative articles along with your capitalization. Anyway, do you or don't you?"
"I suppose I must. Just for curiosity, why hot dogs?"
"Here, eat this second one and I'll tell you while you're chewing. It started as a way to remonstrate against the popular paganisms of the time when Discordianism congealed: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns). You stopped chewing?"
-Gulp- "You just said this was against what Discordians believe?"
"Oh yes, very much so. It's the 4th tenant of the Pentabarf: A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns"
"Why no buns?"
"It's a whole thing dealing with a legend of the goddess and the original snub."
"Did it really happen?"
"Oh, of course not, but just because it didn't happen doesn't mean it isn't true."
"I see, so was this a beef or a pork hotdog?"
"Hotdogs are like Schrodinger's Box. If you look inside, you tend to end up with dead cat. Anyway, there is only one last box to check: A Discordian is Prohibited of Believing what he reads."
"Does that include your principle Discordia?"
"Principia Discordia, and very much so. The scripture commands us to wipe our ass with that which is written. We have a few literalists in the faith who fly with extra copies of the text in lieu of toilet paper."
"Well, then yes, I reject that which is written."
"Lovely, welcome to the faith, madame chaplain."
"Chaplain?"
"Making you a priest requires getting five naked men together to chant everything with five fold repetition. The only difference is this way you don't get a special card. There's a paragraph you have to read on page 35 of the text and then you have to sign five copies of the affirmation and mail one to the President of Liberty, one to a random address on California, nail one to a pole, hide one, and burn the last one. Don't forget to nose print each one or you'll have to do it again."
"I'm confused."
"Good, that's where it all starts. Welcome aboard, madame chaplain. We leave in 6 hours to cross the border back into Sirius proper and to replenish our pineal amulets at Shasta Orbital Skyhook. I suggest you get your things and come aboard to meet your fellow Discordians."
"I have a few things to take care of first while we're still in Provence. You've been most helpful, Captain, I just hope I am doing the right thing."
"Worst case scenario, the Widdershins has two engines pointed in the right direction and enough life support to get you out of Gallia. After that, who knows where you end up? I wouldn't bother planning anything beyond that."
"Why's that? I have heard it said that failing to plan is planning to fail."
"Plans tend to attract the gaze of the goddess, best to keep her looking elsewhere, preferably at your enemies."
