This Whole Damn Mess And My Pants Are Sticky

[Nepotu]

---

>> LSF Operational Report: Sudbury/Georgian Ice Field Incident - McAllister, Ace. "Right Cupholder" Reporting
>> Subject: This Whole Damn Mess And My Pants Are Sticky

---

---

Okay, so, where to start? We get the call, "Sudbury's hot, go secure orbit, grab the shiny alien bits." Sounds simple, right? Wrong. So, so wrong.

We get out there, expecting a swarm of angry space-bugs, and... nothing. Crickets. Space crickets, if those exist. It's eerily quiet, which, as any seasoned professional knows, is code for "you're about to get your ass handed to you."

And then, BAM! Xenos come pouring out of the Georgian Ice Field like they're late for a Black Friday sale. And they brought the Liberty Rose. Our Liberty Rose. A rust bucket, but a big rust bucket.

Now, here's the kicker. I'm trying to do my job, monitor comms, keep an eye on sensor readings, AND I'm holding a tray of coffees. Because, you know, priorities. Someone decided we needed caffeine during this cluster-fudge. And let me tell you, maneuvering a fighter while holding six steaming cups of space-java is not conducive to optimal combat performance.

The Lehigh's trying to hold the line, those poor bastards, but it's like trying to stop a tidal wave with a teacup. And me? I'm dodging lasers and trying not to spill my latte. It's a delicate balancing act, let me tell you.

Then, the Peary goes boom. Just... gone. And the coffee? Spilled. All over my flight suit. Sticky. Smells like burnt space-beans.

The Xenos are screaming about some "Liberty Free Republic" nonsense, and the isolationists are throwing a hissy fit about wasted lives. I'm just trying to figure out how to get this stain out of my pants.

The Tuscaloosa's digging on Sudbury, trying to crack the alien piggy bank before the gate blows. Good luck to them, they're going to need it.

Recommendations:

• Mandatory cupholders in all fighter cockpits. Preferably self-leveling.
  
• No more coffee runs during combat. It's a hazard.
  
• Someone needs to explain to the Xenos that "meatwave attack" is not a viable tactical doctrine. It's just messy.
  
• We need to figure out how to stabilize that damn gate before Ontario turns into a radioactive wasteland.
  
• And someone, for the love of all that is caffeinated, get me some stain remover.
  

End Report.

---