"Good evening and welcome to the evening news at ten. I'm your host, Sayuri Saito."
"Our top story tonight. Doctor Freddie Johnson, an independent astrophysicist and Barrier Gate local, has made claims that the trajectory of Caminha's Comet has abruptly changed and that action should be taken to 'prevent the worst'. Our correspondent Jennifer Mules reports."
"Thank you Sayuri. In the early hours this morning, 25.06.835A.S, Doctor Freddie Johnson was working in his observatory. Rarely seen by his neighbours, Doctor Johnson has been working tirelessly on their research for the better part of a few years. Here is the Doctor to tell us of their discovery."
"Well, you see, I've been monitoring the Caminha's orbit myself as you can't trust those corporate hacks working for DSE. Sold their souls to the military-industrial complex. Shameful... right, yes, anyway! I've been making observations relentlessly since the comet's discovery and just last night such dedications paid off! There. See! An observable shift, albeit relatively small, in the comet's trajectory at precisely 02:37AM! What?! What do you mean you don't see it? That number there... point fifteen... and then point seventeen in an instant!! Look, Baja is in peril! Get those hacks off Scottsdale as soon as possible!"
"Thank you for yo-"
"I'm serious! Such trajectory change implies causation! Is the comet outgassing as it approaches Coronado's celestial body?! Has an object or solar wind introduced unbalancing kinetic forces?! No, wait! We have to discover the t̷̛͔͓̹̙̒̌̃͋́̈́̍̀̊̏̃̔͘͜͠ŗ̵̡͕͙̭̘͍̬͚͖̼͈̥͑͒͒̔̈́̿̅̈́̚͠͝u̵͚̪̞̹̳̜̻̺͉̪̭̟͈͙̬͒͌͆͑̄̔̒͛͋̀̕̕̚͠͠-̶̧̨̞͇͔̘̥͇͇̺͊̿̈́̆͐̈́̅̂͘͝
"Thank you for your report, Jennifer Mules. Deep Space Engineering have since released the following statement: DSE's monitoring team continue to perform exemplary work in the monitoring of Caminha's Comet's orbit and the risk the object poses to the wellbeing of inhabitants of Coronado. We trust in their wealth of expertise and top-of-the-line equipment, and no significant changes worthy of concern have been raised. On review, Dr Johnson's 'discovered' adjustment is too minute to warrant taking action and poses no concern."
"If you've been affected by today's top story, help and support is available at the Barrier News Neuralnet page. Now to hear from the show's sponsor, Barrier Gate Ramen..."
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