THE SHADOWS OF THE DAMNED [font=book antiqua]
This is the area wherein feedback, both positive and
negative, for the above mentioned, titled, and linked
story known as "The Shadows of the Damned" will
be placed. If you find errors in the writing,
inconsistencies in the plot, confusion of adjectives or
something else rather stupid, leave me a line here
so I can fix it. If you like it, hate it, or would other-
wise like to comment based on opinion rather than
fact, this is also the place to be doing it.
Here's a reminder to tell me if you enjoy or hate or don't bother reading my lovely story which I take such pains to craft.
Post 3 already and the plot is heating up.
Well. The basis around the plot before the plot of the plot within the plot.
Seriously. But it's still getting a bit more exciting.
Thanks for the feedback. Glad to know somebody's reading it!
It makes me warm inside even when I accidentally put rabbit feed into my pellet stove instead of wood pellets. (Rabbit feed doesn't give off a whole lot of heat.)
Actually, there's <strike>ONE</strike> two more back-in-time jumps, but things should be linear after that for the most part.
And, also - yes, it's supposed to be confusing. Just because I felt like it.
I can almost hear my Literature teacher yelling at me right now.
Its really good. I enjoyed. it. Especially that part when that man said that thing to that guy...Ok, I'll go read it now.
Anyway...There's a level of awkward wording, and every sentence, paragraph, ideablock contains a lot of actions, which makes it rather difficult to follow. Really, I'd suggest only one action per sentence, which still allows the level of complexity, given specific modifiers: Rather than slowing and turning, slowing as it turned, for example. One single verb construction, rather than a pair of simple verbs.
Paragraph 1, Post 1
Quote:smaller roads, or the occasional tunnel - the latter two of which would require careful navigation.
latter of two of which is quite awkward. Actually, the entire sentence has some issues. The bretonian archetecture giving way to nothing else but...else is rather redundant, and I feel the comparison is an apples/oranges. The archetecture is buildings, the streets are negative space. Buildings give way to smaller buildings, the streets give way to smaller streets, but not really one into the other...
Paragraph 2, Post 1
Quote:silhouetting the complex, brutal early Bretonian Gothic
Comma!
silhouetting the complex, brutal, early Bretonian Gothic
Quote:and even crenelations stood
I'd remove the 'even' and replace it with a second pairing, crenelations and gargoyles, perhaps.
Paragraph 3, post 1
Quote:The red brakelight suddenly flared, lighting the entire dim square within the builds, as the vehicle slowed down, sharply turning to the side to skid around the centre of the court.
"its" red brakelight. Or, better yet, its brakelight flared, casting red across buildings around the square.
I love you too, Unsie.
And thanks. Most things implemented.
Now, I'm not writing this to be perfect, if there's one or two things wrong, I can live with that.
But, please tell me about the story, not the slight errors.
I must say I've never read a story that went backwards like that:D
I kid of course. It's off to a very good start, my only word of advice is - don't make your plot too windy and complicated because, as I found out for myself, it becomes progressively harder to keep track of everything until you get to the point where even you aren't quite sure what's going on plotwise, then you go 'screw it' and throw your keyboard against the wall and make Chewbacca-like gargling noises. I guess what I'm saying is...don't bite off more than you can chew, it will save you the headaches later.
I've actually been sketching the plot out, and it's a lot more simple than I thought it would be (if you can believe that) so I'm hoping I won't run into that sorta problem.
Anyone who read this recently,
I reposted the "Researcher and the Urn" post and edited the old one to be a new post.
It fits the chronology and plot better, I'm not sure why I posted "Researcher" first.
