Hanover Fist - Feedback

[hanover fist]

Lissen up you rats!
I wanna know what you think of my story here.

"I've got your name on this list"

This is my first crack at a 'lawful' character, and eventually it will end with him becoming a Bounty Hunter...
...as if my Signature left any doubt.

It's definitely a work in progress, so your input is invaluable.
I'm also going for a new rhythm, well, new for me. I tend to be rather lengthy at my best...Pedantic and long-winded at my worst.

Also, if you wanna guess who I really am, I won't stop ya.
But this aint my first rodeo, I'll tell ya.

Thanks!

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[Marburg]

I like it. The tone is dark & moody, it reads like an internal monologue & I appreciate that it's all written in short scenes instead of text walls.

If it's all the same to you, Ima keep reading as you go along.

K?

K.:cool:

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[Patrician]

I agree with 'burg. The fact that its short and not walls of text may encourage more people to read it, and it is good. Only thing is the name; every time I read Hanover Fist a little voice in the back of my head yells "STTTEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNN!" and I see an ogre wrecking a courtroom.

[hanover fist]

"Sterrrrnnnn!?! He's nothing but a low-down, double-dealing, backstabbing, larcenous perverted worm!
Hanging's too good for him.
Burning's too good for him!
He should be torn into little bitsy pieces and buried alive!"
Gotta love inspiration!

@Marburg -this one ends as a 10post, one page'r. just a character bio, really. More ongoing stories on another thread (I'll tag the two together) as things move along.

Thanks for the feedback!

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[Rodent]

I enjoyed reading it a lot. Short, to the point, hits the tone really well. Sets the character up nicely, in a dark and dreary world for him.

[Strichev]

This part seems rather odd to me.

No man is perfect.
Another two Rheinland war machines slid into range as the SS officer stalked the aisle, scanning the passengers.
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They didn't need a name.

SS officer? I'm probably missing something, as I'm sure you didn't mean the "Schutzstaffel".

[Primitive]

I accidentally found the story...I love it man. Hope to see more in same style.

Keep it up. Really...I'm impressed.

(<-wonders who you are?)

[hanover fist]

Thanks again for taking the time to read it guys.
I tried to keep it short and sweet and readable without boring you to tears.
I am loving the feedback, it helps me to know what to focus on as the story advances.
Thanks!

@ Sokol:
This->

...The Rheinland Secret Service didn't have my name...

is where this->

...SS officer...

came from. I wondered how to be more specific without being lengthy and losing rhythm, then said, meh, it'll do. Still, I just knew someone would notice it. Good eye, sorry for the confusion.
I had no intent to invoke the "Schutzstaffel".

@ Primitive:
Not even a guess at my secret Identity?
An inkling?

---And I think so far only 2, maybe 3 people KNOW who I am...so you guys "Shhhh!"

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[Primitive]

@ Primitive:
Not even a guess at my secret Identity?
An inkling?
---And I think so far only 2, maybe 3 people KNOW who I am...so you guys "Shhhh!"

Hehe sorry I have no idea... quite like it...I like when people create mystery on disco..all I care, keep it up really, my curiosity is kicking...doesn't mean I'll discover it unless you mess it;)

And yeah..more story..I quite enjoy in it

[Commissar]

Stumbled across your story and found it pretty creepy, must say. Fits in well with the character.
I haven't had the fortune of meeting you in-game yet, but when I do, you can bet I'll be running in the opposite direction (Pirates and Hunters don't traditionally get on that well... *Grins.*)

Good luck!

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May you live in interesting times.
| Sarah McFarlen | Jane Hartman |