Chapter Two is starting to wrap up with some mysteries closed and others opened. How is the story coming along folks? Anyone confused yet?:laugh:
You fear oblivion. Yet you forget. The universe remembers every atom of your being. Even dust hums your name in the dark. Roleplay is dead. Long live Powertraders and PvP I guess.
Second chapter is finished. Third will be started here in a few days, give your comments, let me know what you all think!!
~Leo
You fear oblivion. Yet you forget. The universe remembers every atom of your being. Even dust hums your name in the dark. Roleplay is dead. Long live Powertraders and PvP I guess.
You fear oblivion. Yet you forget. The universe remembers every atom of your being. Even dust hums your name in the dark. Roleplay is dead. Long live Powertraders and PvP I guess.
I'd love to write like that, but unfortunately, I can't seem to describe that well, so the book that I'm currently writing is only up to chapter six--some 50-odd pages and I've been working on it the past five and a half years.
Keep up the good work, mate, don't let the ghost town scare you!:P
"Freelancer Alpha dash niner, this is Freeport 7 control, You are cleared for departure. Good luck out there."
Soldato Zavier Benitez, Benitez flight instructor.
An unusual twist. Seems Leo "remembers everything" is this a ploy? Or does he really remember everything about his past? It's up to you to decide...
~Leo
You fear oblivion. Yet you forget. The universe remembers every atom of your being. Even dust hums your name in the dark. Roleplay is dead. Long live Powertraders and PvP I guess.
Alright folks, here's the rundown after the first part is completed...
I'm going to start opening the Leo story to other posters (may be a mistake) after the first part, which Part two begins on Chapter Five. So it will be after a while, but I wanted to get the word out. The first book will eventually be published after signifigant proofreading and editing, and will be submitted to Microsoft several times until they agree to allow me to publish it with the title being "Retribution" and underneath that will be "A Freelancer Tale".
Regardless, I and I alone will select who I want to post in the post, if you post with out my approval, I will have an admin remove your post. For those who I allowed to post, when the book is published, you will be amongst a list of "sub-authors" and will be personally thanked by me in the front of the book by "First Name, Handle, Last Name." So mine would be "Christopher "Leo" Davidson", and so on and so forth.
The first poster will be zapp_evn. Because I like his stories and I've seen great ideas coming from him in his own Roleplay's that he has written. The next after that I havn't decided, but let me know what you guys think.
~Leo
You fear oblivion. Yet you forget. The universe remembers every atom of your being. Even dust hums your name in the dark. Roleplay is dead. Long live Powertraders and PvP I guess.
Leo, mate. You might want to change the Raven's Talons to something non-discovery, otherwise Microsoft will be asking you what the hell is a Raven's Talon?
Just something I just thought of.
"Freelancer Alpha dash niner, this is Freeport 7 control, You are cleared for departure. Good luck out there."
Soldato Zavier Benitez, Benitez flight instructor.
Opening the story might enrich it, if you get the right people to post. Be careful on that.
I've read it all, and so far it's quite good. It reminds me of Riddick though..
Still, I have some suggestions to do:
* You shouldn't refer to map coordinates with cardinal points. Even if we do on freelancer (mostly 'cause of the 2D-like nature of the navmap), there are no reference points like that in space. You should use other method, like a Cartesian system, galactic coordinates, or the like.
* Tech should be more advanced. You could read some books, like a "fire upon the deep", "deepness in the sky", or "Citizen of the Galaxy", and take some concepts from there. Freelancer hasn't defined much of the tech used on Sirius, except for the spaceships' main systems and some other basics, so you have some freedom on this one. Having "smartdust", for example, would be useful as a plot device. Networked HUD's should be more common, as suggested by the existence of the neural net. Powered armour could be of some use too, but not too powerful, as It might spoil it.
* The cycle is too repetitive, and the main character has almost no time to rest between battles, as the reader. You should give him a rest from time to time, so the main char does something else, like researching or exploring a bit, instead of fighting against everyone on the planet. It gets boring when the main char goes through the story as if it were a 63v1 CS map, with everybody waiting for you around every corner, and no end in sight.
Also, don't make him indestructible. Face him against something that he has to retreat from. He might be dangerous, and powerful, but not indestructible. I wonder what he could do against an power-armoured target, other than run away.
* Don't use too many plot devices, like "I was naked, and being attacked by 20 tanks!!!!!!!1. And all of sudden, I found an uber mark XVIII tactical missile launcher under a rock, and used it to fry the tanks". You haven't done it yet, which is good. Except (I think...) for the part when he finds a rifle on the tree line and uses it to defeat the two armoured guards.
* Try to tell a part of the story from the other side too. to give a bit of a justification why is he being kept on shadows, instead of the "you're dangerous, so we won't tell you who you are". That would give the story a bit more of "deepness".
* Don't be hasty. Take a look at the movie "Eragon", and have it as an example of all those things that you should never do to a story. When the char meets someone important, take your time so things that should be explained are explained correctly, instead of the "I ran to his room, interrogated her/him, and in 3 seconds I knew everything. Then I ran away, as BHG people blasted the place to dust".
Those are only suggestions though, from my point of view...
(If you find any mistake in my English, please let me know via a PM)
(Really, I speak terrible English, so please, tell me if I make mistakes. I'd like to improve it a bit )
Thanks Korrd, means a lot for you to post. Thank you for the advice, I will take it to heart and start writing in that style. A few things you said I have done in the story a few times, and will correct it in the future. Thanks.
~Leo
You fear oblivion. Yet you forget. The universe remembers every atom of your being. Even dust hums your name in the dark. Roleplay is dead. Long live Powertraders and PvP I guess.
You fear oblivion. Yet you forget. The universe remembers every atom of your being. Even dust hums your name in the dark. Roleplay is dead. Long live Powertraders and PvP I guess.
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