The.Old.One

[Hidamari]

Do you happen to have a RM BS going by the handle JAREK_RM?

how dare you insult Jarek like this! D:<

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[Snoozzzer]

I like the way you're describing the captain. Taking an outsider's view on most points, and giving very few actual, confirmed facts.

You need, in my opinion, to go back and make things clearer and less fragmented. The part about how he's a corsair slave, who gets shot by the sairs, then saved at shot at again by the outcast - It's hard to follow.

Add a little more beef to each event. Just an extra sentence or to to each sub event, to slow the story down. Currently it's too jumpy.


Then again, I literally fail at English. Hope some of what I said helps.

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[Montezuma/Kukulcan]

Eh?

Since when have Corsairs had slaves?

You have to feed slaves, and we're having a hard enough time feeding our own people to want to waste food on a slave.

Also, how would a slave get his hands on a ship, let alone learn how to fly one (I'd imagine a space ship would be rather difficult to operate, rather like a plane today), let alone learn how to fly one well enough to evade Corsair Fighters, who are meant to be some of the most skilled in Sirius, while running through several systems?

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[Petitioner]

At The Old One.

Most of the people here do raise a very good point.

I've encountered you before ingame and as has been said, the in-RP interaction left something to be desired. However any time I spoke to you OORPly, all except one or two times you were very courteous and showed a desire to improve.

Being completely honest, your story is definitely not the worst I've read, and I think that were it spelled properly and made to be a bit longer, more detailed, and easier to understand, it could in fact be a good story. If you're willing to talk to me on Skype or ingame some time, I'll be more than happy to help you out with the problems that it appears you have - please, don't turn this down, since I'm apparently one of the few people here who doesn't want to just flame someone who might have the potential to be a good RPer.
We all have flaws, and make mistakes, that's part of life. And I want to help you get past some of these so that hopefully you'll have fun, and everyone else will, too.


At everyone else in the thread.

Stop flaming the guy and offer some constructive criticism on his RP story, that he linked to, rather than things which happened in the past, in-game, which is not at all what this thread was created for. Rather, prove that you're worthy of the respect that usually comes with such high post counts and cool signatures as you all have, and actually help the guy out. For the most part I've not seen any of you contributing much, either, so please, have a heart.

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