Son of the Thalatte

[Reeves]

Log : 7

I had everything I wanted. I had her. I had people to call my family who loved me, in a way I was certain she did too, I let that Godforsaken cancerous word bubble through my mind and make me do something incredibly stupid.
I thought that by bringing up the concept of me seeing other people, the sudden spike in jealousy would actually make Inge realize what she wanted, which was me to be with her and nobody else.
She said what I knew she would say, that she didn't mind if I tried to see other people because we weren't in a relationship. I thought she would take it back if I took it a step further - actually no, I don't know what I was thinking.

Part of me thinks that maybe it's for the best, maybe she'll find someone that'll make her perfectly happy. Even though that'll hurt that's all I've really wanted for her to have, happiness. Why in God's name did I have to keep pushing when I swore not to? I've ruined things, there's no fixing it now.
Nesrin responded a lot more optimistically than even my most positive scenario could account for. The three words I wanted to hear from Inge over the past month just flew out of her mouth, it might seem odd but despite my desperation, I didn't say it back. I don't know if I can.
It's funny... Inge wouldn't dive into things because she didn't want to hurt me and make me feel like a "lost, wandering little penguin." But it honestly looked like I've gone and done it to myself anyways.
I believe in second chances, but I highly doubt a third being among the cards, and if I'm honest with myself I don't deserve another. I had my chance, I made a foolish choice. Maybe a lifetime of atonement for it'll teach me not to push when I know the other person has issues with certain things.

I can't focus enough to write about anything else, so I'll try to put down things that are fresh on my mind. There's two new people on the ship now, or rather "new but also old" people. One of them is called Foulke and the other Miranda apparently. I don't really know much about either of them except that Foulke used to work for the LSF. He's got a slightly 'crude' sense of humor but seems like a decent person nonetheless. I don't know anything about Miranda to make observations yet, we've only ever interacted up to the point of a formal "Hello."

Raven and my sister Aria are apparently going away for about a year, cited as maternity leave. I know the Honshu safe-house is secure but I still worry just a little, I guess that's because I do see them as my family now despite being the product of a bunch of fluids and an egg thrown into a tube.

I know she'll never want to see me again but I dropped off the future presents I planned to give Inge, I kept telling myself that one day things would work out and I wanted to be ready for when it did. I never considered the possibility that I'd be that fantasy's own undoing.

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Developments for personal reference:

I don't know what I'm supposed to put here for once, there goes being productive. I have had the vague suspicion that people have been reading these logs somehow, it seems nearly impossible to bypass the encryption and security of the terminal I'm using, must be impressive tech if someone truly has been eavesdropping.

Personal developments:

My emotional spectrum is honestly complete, I've gone...further than most of the other Davara have in that regard yet I feel slightly lost and like a complete and utter mess.

Things I need to do or want to do:

As cliche as the books seem to think it is, I wish I could snap my fingers and have time rewound. I don't think that's a luxury I deserve to be completely fair, but I seem to be more Human than I'd like to think I am at this point.

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On indefinite hiatus because the current state of gameplay sucks - ping me over discord if replies are needed