The Retribution Chronicles

[Leo]

Just nice to know the communities opinion to see if the story is making sense to others, that's all.

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You fear oblivion. Yet you forget. The universe remembers every atom of your being. Even dust hums your name in the dark.
Roleplay is dead. Long live Powertraders and PvP I guess.

[SimonBlack]

I read it all. Quite good, so far. There is a 'but' though.

You get rescued. You meet a girl. You land on one of major planets. You kill someone. You get attacked. You get rescued. You meet another girl.

It keeps repeating itself.

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Character background summaries:
Red Hessians Major Matthias Schwarz
Golden Chrysanthemums Chusa Fumiko Shimazu

[Leo]

It all ties in together my friend, glad to see you're noticing the pattern;)

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You fear oblivion. Yet you forget. The universe remembers every atom of your being. Even dust hums your name in the dark.
Roleplay is dead. Long live Powertraders and PvP I guess.

[SimonBlack]

Is it some kind of mystical drama movie, where a guy wokes up everyday on the same day? I think I saw it somewhere...:P

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Character background summaries:
Red Hessians Major Matthias Schwarz
Golden Chrysanthemums Chusa Fumiko Shimazu

[Leo]

You'll see soon enough...

You'll see...

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You fear oblivion. Yet you forget. The universe remembers every atom of your being. Even dust hums your name in the dark.
Roleplay is dead. Long live Powertraders and PvP I guess.

[SimonBlack]

Spoiler

The first girl was his wife, the second girl was his lover

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Character background summaries:
Red Hessians Major Matthias Schwarz
Golden Chrysanthemums Chusa Fumiko Shimazu

[marauder]

Spoiler

and the third one is looking good to replace the second.

Also, Leo seems to be losing an awfully large amount of blood recently.

You trying to push us into donating? (j/king:) )

[Leo]

Sure!

A positive is his blood type.

...smart elic:P

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You fear oblivion. Yet you forget. The universe remembers every atom of your being. Even dust hums your name in the dark.
Roleplay is dead. Long live Powertraders and PvP I guess.

[Leo]

New RP post coming in a few days! I'll keep you all updated!!

~Leo

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You fear oblivion. Yet you forget. The universe remembers every atom of your being. Even dust hums your name in the dark.
Roleplay is dead. Long live Powertraders and PvP I guess.

[Angelfire]

All i can say is that this community is insanely talented.

Have you submitted your stuff to any publishers yet?

To assume the market is flooded is to fail before you begin.
Send your stuff to anyone and everyone you can... Your storytelling is unbelievably good!

I agree with the comments about repeating theme though, no matter how much we need it, ciriticism always means more work.
don't be afraid to go back and change stuff, the idea is that by the time all is revealed, your reader is still reading...

besides that..dammit but you're good..heh heh.

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The Chronicles of Angelfire